


Ineffable

by haaruchan



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Communication Failure, Im Changkyun | I.M-centric, Misunderstandings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-20
Updated: 2021-01-28
Packaged: 2021-03-08 20:01:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 21,618
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27122218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haaruchan/pseuds/haaruchan
Summary: It was hard for Changkyun.And maybe, it was hard for them too.
Relationships: Im Changkyun | I.M/Everyone
Comments: 40
Kudos: 286





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hello everyone ;)) 
> 
> This is something that I have been contemplating to write about and it has been on my mind for quite some time. I don't know if yall are sick of post No Mercy Changkyun fics cuz I'm not! xD I'm a sucker for Changkyun angst centric fics and I feel like there are not enough to go around here. Anyways, enjoy! I will try to update as fast as I can <3
> 
> *Again please note that english is not my first language so I apologize for any grammatical errors.

Changkyun tried not to wince as he looked at his reflection in the mirror. 

He was only 19 years of age but he look like he was in his thirties. This shouldn't have happened. He was about to debut as an idol, in an idol group, filled with _good looking_ boys. He can't look like _this_. What would the fans say? What would the public say? Well, technically they are already saying things like how he does _not_ look like the maknae even though he's the youngest. This will only just fueled the fire of hate comments towards him. 

He let out a heavy sigh as he splashed some water on his face in hopes that it'll miraculously make him look decent. 

It didn't work.

Changkyun wondered if it was because of his lack of sleep. He was exhausted all the time and he was stressed out all the time. He doesn't even remember when was the last time he felt relax and calm. He doesn't even remember doing anything fun in a long time. He didn't even have the place to relax or someone he could talk to. Not even his members who he ironically lives with. 

That's right. He has _no_ place for absolutely anything in this group.

It has been a couple of months since No Mercy ended but Changkyun still feels this huge wall between him and his members. It's not like they treat him any worse than during No Mercy. In fact, they hardly treat him with anything. They don't really give him a second thought and they tend to ignore him most of the time. But this only made the feelings that he has been trying to bury deep within his gut resurfaced again and again. 

He was _lonely_.

And he wondered what did he do _wrong_. 

All he did was grab a chance at debut like anybody else would. But why is he being punish so much for this? Not only is he getting criticize on a daily basis by haters online and by the the other trainees in the company, but his members treat him as if he doesn't even exist. They never invite him to eat with them. They never invite him to watch movies with them or to hang out with them outside of their dorm. And they avoid talking to him most of the time. The only time they would talk to him is when it was about work or when they are in front of the camera. It _hurts_. 

Changkyun has tried to be understanding. It was hard for them. He knew it was. They went through a lot in No Mercy and even before that, just to have a chance at debut. They were just being protective of the bond they have with their eliminated friends. He understood that. So he had tried to approach them first but every time he so happen to walk into a room the atmosphere will be so tense you could hear a pin drop. And it doesn't help that he is not good at talking with people. He doesn't even know how to start a conversation. He feels awkward _all the time_. In the end he gave up and opted to wait for them to open up to him. Whenever they are ready.

However, he is starting to see that they probably never will be.

\---

After his little melt down in the bathroom, Changkyun quietly padded into the kitchen. He could see the members gathered around the table munching the breakfast Kihyun has prepared for them. He said a quiet 'good morning' out of formality- he was the _youngest_ after all but didn't bother to look at the food and went straight to the fridge to grab himself an apple. He was hungry but he didn't want to be in the same room with them. He had noticed how they all seemed to slow down at whatever they were doing as soon as he entered the kitchen. It made his skin prickled with anxiety and awkwardness. There is no way he can eat with them. He wasn't even welcomed in the first place. 

After grabbing the apple Changkyun turned around to go to the living room and munch his apple there in peace but a sudden call to his name made him stopped in his track. He turned around and look at the owner of the voice. He couldn't help but furrowed his brow in confusion. He had never been addressed before.

"Yes, Kihyun hyung?" 

For a moment the older male just look at Changkyun with an unreadable expression on his face. "Where are you going?" He finally said.

"Um-" Changkyun felt even more anxious if that's even possible when he noticed all of his members looking at him. "The living room..?"

"And why are you going to the living room? Why are you not eating with us?" Kihyun asked with a quiet huff. Changkyun was confused. He had been doing this ever since he started living with them. He would always be last one to eat which means there are no members in the kitchen that he will bother or if they were, he would take his food and eat in the living room. Sometimes he would sneak out during their schedule break to find food and eat if he missed breakfast. This was fairly a new thing. 

"Why do you always do that?" Kihyun asked again. 

"Do what?" Changkyun timidly answered. He wasn't sure where this conversation was heading for. 

"That! Never eat with us." Kihyun responded with a slight irritation to his voice. Changkyun eyes widened at this.

"I-I didn't know I was welcomed." 

To his right, Changkyun heard Minhyuk snorted. He turned his head and look at the older man. 

"Of course he needs a special invitation." 

Changkyun didn't know how to respond to that. Minhyuk had said that so quietly it's almost a whisper. But it rang loudly in his ears. He immediately felt a pang of hurt formed in his heart. 

"Look, can you just sit?" Kihyun groaned frustratingly as he ran a hand through his finger. "The manager hyung has been complaining about how thin you look." He groaned again.

Oh. _Oh_. So that's what it was about. He only wanted Changkyun _to join_ them because they were _forced_ to by the manager. Because they didn't want to get in trouble for not 'feeding' him or accused of treating him unfairly. 

"It's okay I'm not hungry." Changkyun quickly said. "Thanks for the offer." He then proceeded to bow down politely and left the kitchen. 

As he reached the living room, he felt the first set of tears drop. 

None of the members had even bothered to defend him from Minhyuk's words. 

\---

Changkyun forced his tired limbs to climb the stairs to their dorm. He was the last one in line. His members' feet thundering in front of him. Every single one of them couldn't wait to get into their dorm. Their whole body exhausted and they were all starving for some food.

Practice had been rough today. Changkyun had made a lot of unnecessary mistakes. He felt so disappointed with himself. Their debut day is coming soon, he shouldn't even _be_ making these types of mistakes. However, he couldn't help it. He tend to screw up whenever he feels stressed or overwhelmed. And he does it especially more when he feels the members' eyes boring into him, _judging_ him. It made him wary of every single thing which meant he couldn't concentrate. 

And they couldn't stop _staring_ at him during practice today. It was _suffocating_.

After the breakfast incident, the relationship between him and the members is even more tense than before if that's even possible. It was like they were all walking on a tight rope. Changkyun felt like there is something terrible wafting in the air, pushing down heavily on him. He also noticed how the members kept sending him weird and unreadable looks all the time it was _too much_ for him to handle. He couldn't _breathe_.

Before this, they would only occasionally throw him their judgmental eyes or whispered hurtful things behind his back with each other even when they knew he could hear them. They never do it directly and continuously like this though. Before this, they couldn't even bother to give him the time of the day because in their eyes he is an unimportant entity to the team, someone worthless with no talent and someone who had waltzed his way into the chosen debut group with zero effort, so he was never worth their time and attention. But now they couldn't stop giving him a hard time at practice with their constant staring and judgements. They didn't even give him a break.

He _hated_ it. 

Changkyun sighed with relieved once he reached the door of their dorm. He was so lost in his thoughts that he didn't even realize he was all alone in the hallway now. The members have all entered the dorm. He sighed and quickly keyed in the passcode. As he walked through from the entrance to the living room he noticed Shownu holding the phone and ordering some takeouts. He wondered what it will be. He was starving. He hope they will leave some for him. 

Changkyun continued to pad across the dorm until he reached his shared room. When he entered the room, he saw Jooheon laying on Minhyuk's bed. The older rapper was playing with his phone seemingly not noticing Changkyun's presence. Changkyun tried not to show his surprise and wariness at the older's unexpected presence and casually sat on his bed. He wanted to shower immediately but he will have to wait until his turn. Being the youngest, he was always last. He wrinkled his nose when he felt his shirt stuck to his body because of his sweat. He hope that he didn't have to wait that long. 

Changkyun decided that he could play a game or two while waits for his turn. He grabbed his phone out of his pocket, leaned against the wall and began scrolling through his phone game apps to choose one he would play. 

"What are you doing?"

Changkyun was so surprised at being addressed he flinched and almost drop his phone. "Wh-what?" He stuttered and looked at Jooheon with wide eyes.

Jooheon sat up on the bed and rubbed the back of his neck. "I said, what are you doing?" He asked again.

"Um. Finding a game to play?" Changkyun couldn't help but to stare at Jooheon. The older rapper had never tried to initiate a conversation with him before except during No Mercy filming. In fact, he was actually one of the first members to approach and talk to Changkyun in the survival show and he had actually given Changkyun hope that they would be friends. However, after the winners' announcement and the elimination of his best friend, Jooheon had stopped talking to him completely. It had crushed whatever hope Changkyun had. Perhaps, Jooheon was over his frustrations and wanted to try and be friends again. Or at least, have a mutual form of respect with him.

"Do you always waste your time like that every time you wait for the shower?"

Just when Changkyun thought this conversation would bring some positive light into their strained relationship, Jooheon spat another hurtful thing to the many list of hurtful words Changkyun has had the honor to received from the members. Changkyun let out a bitter frown but said nothing. He just continued to look at the older man.

Jooheon suddenly looked stress and something Changkyun couldn't understand flashed across his face. He let out a small groan and rubbed the back of his neck again. Changkyun wanted to say something but he couldn't when Wonho entered the room.

"Minhyuk ah can I borrow your head-" Wonho stopped his sentence when he noticed that Minhyuk wasn't in the room and the tension on Jooheon's shoulders. "What's going on here? Are you okay Jooheon?"

"Yeah, yeah...we were just talking." Jooheon said to Wonho and looked at his lap. "Which didn't go so well..." He mumbled the next words but Wonho heard him.

"What did you say to him Changkyun?" Wonho frowned at the maknae. Changkyun flinched and felt his anxiety starting to flare at the older man's stare.

"I didn't say anything." He tried to explain. He felt himself getting scared. He knew how protective the older members are towards Jooheon. The older rapper was more of a maknae than he would ever be. Changkyun didn't want to be the one to face their anger when Jooheon is upset. Wait. Why was he even upset? "We barely even said anything."

"I don't believe you." Wonho immediately said. "Jooheon looks upset. Why is he upset??" Changkyun flinched again. He felt that familiar feeling forming in his heart. Oh. So It was _not_ okay for Jooheon to be hurt but it was okay for _him_ to be hurt. He wasn't even sure why Jooheon was hurt in the first place. He was so confused. 

"Hyung stop." Jooheon stood up and held Wonho's arm. "You have completely misunderstood the situation."

Wonho blinked and looked at the two maknaes simulteneously. He looked at Changkyun longer for some reason. "Okay. Okay. It's just that...I could feel the tension in the air you know? And your shoulders look tense." He then said to Jooheon.

"I'm feeling a little upset, yes, but at not Changkyun I swear. At something else." Jooheon rubbed his neck for the third time, this time harshly.

"Okay. I will take your words for it." Wonho nodded and turned his attention back to Changkyun. For a moment he just looked at him. Changkyun felt his hands started to shake so he quickly hid them behind his back.

"I only take Jooheon's side because it's hard to believe you. You know why right?" 

Changkyun couldn't hide the flash of hurt that shone in his eyes at Wonho's words. Jooheon and Wonho must have seen it because they both immediately strengthened up. Their shoulders becoming tense. Changkyun could feel his tears coming. He couldn't stand to be in their presence anymore. He didn't want to continue this conversation any longer to be hurt again and again. 

"I understand." He said quickly and turned to leave, sparing no room for the two men to stop him.

\----

End of Chapter 1.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was difficult to write but I hope I gave some justice to the feelings and emotions of each character. 
> 
> Anyways, happy reading!

Changkyun knew that something was wrong the moment he opened his eyes.

There was a rough and itchy feeling scratching down his throat and his nose felt stuffy, making it harder for him to breathe. To make matters worse, his head felt like it had been hit by a truck. He groaned and rubbed his face with both his hands. He then reached for his phone on the bedside table to look at the time. 

_6.30am._

30 minutes before his usual time of waking up.

He was always an early riser. It was a common knowledge even amongst the members. No matter how late he went to sleep the night before he would still wake up on time the next day. It was like his body has an automatic alarm clock. Changkyun debated with himself. He knew that some extra sleep will help him get through the day. His entire body was _aching_. The manager hyung will only come and pick them up at 8.30am for their schedule. So he definitely has plenty of time to go back to sleep before he has to face the day. But he wasn't sure if he should. He sighed and continued to dwell on his thoughts.

In the end, his sickness won over as his mind became hazy. He fell asleep even without him realizing it. 

"-kyun. Changkyun ah."

Changkyun was jolted awake when he heard someone call his name. He winced as the light in the room made the pounding in his head worse. He didn't think it was possible for him to feel sicker than when he first woke up. 

"Changkyun?" He heard the same voice calling him again. Changkyun forced himself to open his eyes again and saw Kihyun crouching down next to his bed on his knees. He suddenly felt more awake. "Hey. Are you okay? You um. You look really pale." The older man asked him. There is an unreadable expression on his face. Changkyun noted that he has being doing that a lot lately. 

"I-" Changkyun tried to answer but his throat was so dry it was hard to speak. He let out a dry cough.

"Wait. Let me get you some water." Kihyun told him as he stood up. Changkyun only stared at him confusedly.

"Stop looking at me like that." Kihyun sighed, running a hand through his hair. "Why do you always look at me like that?" 

"Like....what?" Changkyun whispered and flinched. _God_ , that was painful.

"That-just...THAT." Kihyun fumbled and waved his hands around frustratingly. "Look. Let me just get you some water okay?" He sighed. He didn't wait for Changkyun to reply and promptly left the room. Changkyun was definitely even more _confused_ now.

Kihyun returned back a moment later carrying a glass of water with a straw in it. "Here." He said and held the straw to Changkyun's mouth. "Lift your head a bit so you won't choke." 

For moment Changkyun just stared warily at the older man but Kihyun didn't budge or look away. Changkyun decided that perhaps it was alright to let his guard down a bit and so he did as he was told without a word. Immediately, he felt a huge sense of relief as the water cleared up some of the dryness he had felt. He felt grateful for Kihyun's prompt thinking. Although, he still didn't quite understand why Kihyun was suddenly being nice to him. Just days ago he was annoyed at Changkyun for not 'joining' breakfast. 

"I wasn't annoyed at you for not joining breakfast." Kihyun said with a sigh. Changkyun winced internally. He didn't even realize he had said those words out loud. His sickness must have made him lose control of his ability to keep his mouth shut. Changkyun looked at older man and saw a deep frown across his face. 

"Huh?" Changkyun tilted his head. 

"I said I wasn't annoyed with you." Kihyun repeated himself. This time, he looked... _sad?_ Changkyun bit his bottom lip but said nothing. What was going on?

"Look I-" Kihyun tried to say but he was interrupted when Hyungwon suddenly barged into the room. 

"Why are you two still here??" Hyungwon questioned as he folded his arms. Both Kihyun and Changkyun turned their heads to look at him. The taller male looked like a bomb had landed on him and exploded. His hair was in disarray, eyes swollen with redness and his face looked puffy and bloated. Changkyun also thought that he looked irritated. "We only have about 10 minutes before manager hyung gets here. Minhyuk is making a fuss in the kitchen and they _forced_ me to come and get both of you." He vent out with a huff.

"Whoah, who ruined your morning sleeping beauty?" Kihyun replied monotonously. He seemed like he wasn't bothered at all by Hyungwon's irritation. Like he was used to it. He probably _was_ , Changkyun thought. The two of them have been friends for a while. Long before Changkyun even became a trainee at Starship. In fact, _all_ of the members are friends with each other. Except, well. _Him_. He tried not show his frown at the thought. 

"Shut up." Hyungwon huffed again. "Just go back to the kitchen and show your face to everybody so they'll leave me the fuck alone and YOU." He pointed at Changkyun. "What the hell is wrong with you? Get out of bed and stop being lazy. You are LATE." He snapped. Changkyun's eyes widened. He immediately felt guilty and quickly sat up even though his head was killing him. He didn't mean to overslept! He just wanted to sleep a bit more to get through the day. He should have set his alarm clock. He _should_ have.

"I-I'm sorry." He apologized at he got out of bed. He quickly realized his mistake as a wave of dizziness rushed through him and he had to hold the wall to stop himself from falling. 

"Changkyun, sit down." Kihyun gently held his arm and pushed him down on the bed. Changkyun flinched. Not used to such physical contact from a member. "And Hyungwon stop it. Don't be a jerk." Kihyun defended him. "Changkyun's not feeling well that's why he accidently overslept." Changkyun tried not to show his surprise but he didn't think he was very successful when he heard Kihyun sigh in that same tone he had used just before Hyungwon entered the room.

"Oh." Hyungwon looked startled and there is a slight change to his demeanor. Changkyun couldn't really tell because his head was killing him.

"Oh." Hyungwon said again. "Is..is he now?" He unfolded his arms and walked towards the bed. He kept his gaze on Changkyun. Changkyun found that he couldn't understand or read the facial expression that the older man was suddenly wearing. 

"Shit." Hyungwon groaned. "Shit shit shit." He ran a hand through his forehead.

"Stop cursing." Kihyun scolded Hyungwon as he tried to rubbed the maknae's shoulders but Changkyun kept flinching so he stopped.

"This is trouble." Hyungwon ignored the scolding and said. "The management is not going to like it."

"Of course they won't." Kihyun rolled his eyes. "It's not exactly a new knowledge around here."

"Why is he suddenly sick?" Hyungwon huffed grumpily. "How can he be... _sick_??" Changkyun flinched at the harsh tone and looked down at his lap. It was obvious that Hyungwon was not happy that he had gotten himself sick. What he said was true though. How can he be sick at a time like this? He should have taken better care of himself. Changkyun felt something formed deep in his stomach. His hands shook and he felt like he was going to throw up.

_Why does he keep doing things that irritate his members?_

"Well he is now so lets not dwell on it." Kihyun waved his hand dismissively at Hyungwon. "Maybe we can get Shownu hyung to convince manager hyung to let him skip the schedule today." Kihyun suggested. "I don't think he should even leave his bed." 

"Well...he definitely will just make it harder....if he don't...." Hyungwon mumbled quietly. Changkyun couldn't help but felt hurt at his words. Why did he had to keep reminding Changkyun what a burden he is? 

"No, please don't do that." Changkyun then quickly said. His voice sounded panic to his own ears. "I'll-I'll be fine." Changkyun didn't want to be more of a burden than he already is. The comeback is coming. They can't afford to be missing a member. There were still a lot of preparations needed to be made. He can get through the day just fine. He just needed to be extra careful. He can do _this_. 

"Changkyun you are not thinking clearly." Kihyun shook his head with a frown. "You can barely stand just now. Just listen to me and stay here."

"But-" Changkyun tried to say but Kihyun wasn't having it. "Stop. Didn't you hear what I said? You can barely stand just now."

"Why do you suddenly care whether I can stand or not?" 

Changkyun didn't know if it was because he was sick or if it was because he was still confused with Kihyun's 360 degree shift attitude towards him, he wasn't even sure if it was because he was feeling extremely guilty for just being a _screw up_ all the time or because of Hyungwon's words, but he just, _snapped._ He felt surprised at himself. He saw both Kihyun and Hyungwon froze at his tone.

"I-I'm sorry." As fast as his irritation came, it went away just as quickly. Changkyun felt himself panicking. He couldn't believe how rude he was. He had no right. He wasn't even friends with them in the first place to be this rude. 

"It's fine." Kihyun spoke up softly. Changkyun looked at him and noticed the line of tension across the older's man shoulders. He bit his bottom lip worryingly. 

"Stop bitting your lip." Kihyun told him with a small sigh. Changkyun looked down and fidgeted with his sleeves. "It's fine Changkyun, really." He told again. Changkyun didn't believe him. 

"Why do you keep doing that?" Hyungwon asked after a moment of awkward silence. Changkyun looked up timidly. "Do what?"

"Why do you keep flinching or fidgeting every time you talk to us? Why do you...god why do you always play the victim??" Hyungwon looked frustrated all of a sudden and Kihyun let out a small gasp as he stared at the taller man. "I can't...I can't even stand to look at you sometimes...I just..." He ran his hands through his hair and began pacing the room.

"Hyungwon." Kihyun called out sharply and stared directly into Hyungwon's eyes. That made Hyungwon stopped his pacing and looked at Changkyun again.

Changkyun on the other hand, felt a pang in his heart and he suddenly wanted to cry. He didn't understand what was going on. One moment they are nice and it seemed like they care, but then the next moment they just say whatever they like without even considering his feelings. He couldn't go a day without the members saying hurtful things to him especially this past week. He couldn't understand what he did wrong. Had he said something or did something recently that irked them? All he did was try to do his best, to be a good member and avoid troubling them. Changkyun felt the irony of his wish for them to open up to him and to talk to him washed over him. He should have just be content with them ignoring his existence. What was the point of them talking to him now when it was nothing but hurt? It was like No Mercy filming all over again. He was so tired of his feelings being dismissed and he was just _so_ hurt and he was _so so_ confused. It was too much for his sick mind to handle at the moment. He just couldn't understand _anything_.

Hyungwon stopped pacing at Kihyun's sharp tone. His eyes widened.

"Shit. That's not...shit!" He ran his hands through his hair again. "I didn't...shit...." He looked torn. Changkyun felt confused again at his mood swings.

"Changkyun..." Kihyun said as he sat next to the younger. "This is getting out of hand..." He began to say.

"Manager hyung is here!" Kihyun stopped abruptly, startled to hear Jooheon's loud voice. All three men looked at the direction of the door.

After a moment, Hyungwon cursed under his breath and quickly walked towards the door. However, before he step his foot out of the door he turned around and looked at Changkyun. There was something conflicted that flickered through his eyes. He looked...upset? Changkyun didn't know what that meant and at the moment he didn't care. He was emotionally and physically exhausted. He turned his eyes away from the older. In the end Hyungwon just bit his lip and left the room to get ready to leave the dorm.

Changkyun blinked and stood up again. This time he was more careful. He could see next to him that Kihyun had also stood up.

"I'll be fine." Changkyun told him quickly. "You should go. I'll be quick." He said as he began to grab his things. Kihyun just nodded dumbly and retreated hastily out of the room. 

Changkyun looked at the older man's retreating back and sighed. He then grabbed his phone and shoved it in his pocket.

It was going to be a long day.

\---

Changkyun leaned against the wall of their practice room as they waited for their choreographer to arrive. He purposely sat the furthest away from his members and kept to himself. He didn't want to have any more interactions with them. At least for awhile. They always ended with him being hurt and them dismissing his feelings. It was better if he kept his distance.

He kept his eyes close because the light was hurting his eyes. He had managed to swallow some pills he received from manager hyung that morning but it still didn't help much with the pounding in his head. His limbs felt weak. He let out a cough but kept his eyes close, willing the ground to swallow him. Around him, he could hear the members talking quietly with each other and moving about. He ignored them. 

Changkyun let his thoughts drift to their first schedule of the day. They had an interview session with of one the local celebrity news outlets regarding their debut and concept as a group. It was their first official interview together since they had formed the band so they had all been nervous. However, Changkyun thought the members did well at hiding it and they were quite professional. Changkyun on the other hand, just kept quiet unless a question was directed at him. It was because he found it hard to focus on the interview. He was busy trying to keep himself from sniffling and coughing. He didn't want to cause any delay or reshooting. He kept drinking the water given to him absentmindedly. Despite being in his own world, he had noticed that the members would occasionally look at him. He had tried not to let that get to him. It would only him make him feel anxious and vulnerable. 

Changkyun was interrupted from his thoughts when he felt the presence of someone in front of him. He opened his eyes and flinched when he saw Kihyun crouching in front of him. Kihyun frowned at his reaction but didn't comment. 

"Here." He only said to the younger.

Changkyun looked down and saw Kihyun holding out a water bottle to him. Changkyun looked up and raised his eyebrow. Kihyun sighed.

"Please drink some water maknae ah." 

Changkyun nodded warily and mumbled a quiet thank you. He took a sip of the water and realized how thirsty he was. He kept drinking. It definitely helped his throat feel slightly better. He sighed in content. Kihyun smiled at him and Changkyun almost choked on the water when he saw it. This was the first time the older had ever smiled at him. In fact, none of the members have ever smiled at him before. They had smiled around each other but _never_ at _him_. Changkyun shifted his eyes away from the vocalist. He didn't know how to react to that. Kihyun's behaviour has been confusing him a lot lately.

"Manager hyung just informed that the choreographer will be late." Kihyun informed him. Changkyun nodded but kept his gaze away. 

"Changkyun. Please look at me." Changkyun hesitated but slowly turned his eyes back to the older. "How are you feeling?" Kihyun asked softly. He was still smiling but it looked a little different than before for some reason. 

"I-I'm okay." Changkyun stuttered his reply, still feeling anxious at the older's close proximity. Kihyun seemed to noticed this as he scooted backwards a bit.

"Are you hungry?" Kihyun then asked. "The food is here." He pointed towards the table at end of the practice room. "You should eat something so you can eat more of that pill manager hyung gave you."

"Why are you being so nice to me?" Changkyun found himself asking. Kihyun froze and something flashed through his eyes before it disappeared just as quickly. 

For a moment, they just stared at each other until Kihyun broke the silence with small sigh.

"Changkyun I-" Kihyun began. "I'm not good...at these things...I don't even know where to begin...but please, please know that I'm trying...I'm trying okay?" He looked desperately into the youngest's eyes begging him to understand. If anything, Changkyun was even more confused.

"I don't understand." He genuinely told the older man. Kihyun sighed and rubbed his face.

"What am I trying to say is...you are part of this team...." Kihyun tried to explain. "Which means...your wellbeing is our wellbeing." 

Changkyun didn't try to hide the hurt that flashed through his eyes at the older's words. This time, it was Kihyun who flinched.

Of _course_. Changkyun thought to himself. Of course him being sick or injured or in a bad condition will _ruin_ the group's image. It was to be _expected._ He was the burden. The blackhole of this team. Someone who was _never_ welcomed and probably never _will be_. Of course it was about _that_. He snorted to himself. For a moment Changkyun thought the older had truly cared. He quickly looked away.

"No that's not. That's not what I mean..." Kihyun tried to get Changkyun to look back at him. "That's not it Changkyun."

"You've already said what you had to say." Changkyun spat bitterly, refusing to shift his gaze. "I know exactly what you mean."

"No. You listen to me." Kihyun suddenly raised his voice. He sounded agitated. Changkyun noticed that it had caught the attention of the other members. Or perhaps, he thought to himself, they had been listening in all this while but pretended they didn't. Did they send Kihyun as their representative to tell Changkyun off? He snorted again at the thought. Maybe he was overthinking things but at this point he doesn't even care. Kihyun's word had touched something deep inside him. Memories of No Mercy flooded his mind. The ones he had tried to bury in the deepest part of his heart.

"You need to stop misunderstanding everything I say or do!" Kihyun frowned at the younger man. He couldn't sit any longer so he stood up and began pacing the room. "Stop taking my words as some sort accusation towards you!" He expressed frustratingly. "They are not!"

"Then how am I supposed to interpret it?" Changkyun responded, suddenly feeling brave. If they want to ganged up on him like this he was not going to back down. He was tired of letting them run their mouth as they like. He slowly stood up. He felt himself swayed at the movement but he managed to steady himself. 

"How about you just...listen first and stop jumping to conclusions??" Kihyun replied as he stood in front of the maknae. "God, this is so fucked up!"

Changkyun finally stared at the older, feeling a wave of sadness washed over him. "You've never spared the time to talk to me before, so how am I supposed to know or understand anything?" He replied shakily, suddenly feeling very tired despite his earlier bravery. He could see black spots starting to appear in his vision. He tried to willed them away.

At this point, the rest of the members have gathered around them. From his line of vision, Changkyun saw them looking at the two of them worriedly. 

"After such long time of being ignored..." Changkyun continued weakly as he looked at Kihyun and the rest of his members. He felt a few tears rolled out of his eyes and he silently cursed himself. Why is he letting them see him _cry?_ How _pathetic_.

However, after opening his mouth, he found that he couldn't stop himself so he kept going."...being treated as if I don't even _exist_ in this group...having to receive your stares and hurtful words...having to wake up every day and face the day...to the point that I wonder what did I do wrong...all I did...all I did was chased after my dreams..like you...and I won..I won...I won fairly...I didn't _cheat_ even though all of you seemed to _believe_ that...I didn't! I just wanted to do my best for this group but you kept, you kept isolating me, _ignoring_ me...I am nobody in this group...I have _no place_ in this group...I know that...I know that..." Changkyun breathed out shakily as he felt more tears rolled down his face. 

"And then to suddenly and _finally_ have _you_ spare me some thoughts and talk to me like...like it was normal...like everything was fine...but at the same time you kept hurting my feelings with your words...all of you...kept hurting me...I guess, I guess I don't know...I don't know what to think..I don't think I'll ever know...." Changkyun let out a heartbroken sob as he finished his words. He felt more tears dropped from his eyes. At this point he just felt nothing but _pain. pain. pain_. and everything just _hurts_. _hurts._ _hurts_. 

"Changkyun." Kihyun whispered worriedly as he stepped closer to the younger. "I'm sorry. Please stop crying. Please. I'm so sorry. Forget I said anything. I didn't mean to raise my voice at you. I didn't mean anything I said. I'm sorry." He tried to touch the younger but Changkyun just flinched and backed away. Changkyun let out another heartbroken sob. " _Please_. You are going to make yourself sicker." Kihyun begged.

"Changkyun, please don't cry." Jooheon then spoke up. "Oh god. What have we done?" He whispered shakily as he looked at the other members. "What hav _e I_ done?" He let out a whimper as he crouched down on the floor. 

Changkyun continued to cry refusing to look at any of them. He must looked so pathetic in front of them right now. A new wave of sadness and anxiety flooded him and he cried harder. 

"Changkyun." This time it was Wonho. Changkyun felt the older walked closer towards him but he still kept his distance from him, clearly understanding the youngest's discomfort. "I know that so many things have happened between us." The older spoke almost urgently. "I can't even begin to form the right words to you. There is really nothing that I can say right now that can make you feel better. We seem to keep...making things worse. We keep...hurting you. _God_ , we are so _bad_ at this. But please Changkyun ah. Please trust me when I say that it is really different now. We can talk more about this later...but right now we are worried about you so please, _please_ stop crying. You are not well." 

Changkyun couldn't understand what the elder was trying to explain. Everything was _too_ much and _too_ overwhelming for him. The black spots in his vision kept fluttering and it was growing bigger. There was this ringing in his ear and he slowly couldn't feel or hear his surroundings. He felt himself getting weaker.

"But hyung..." Changkyun pushed himself to say despite how he was feeling. He just couldn't understand what was going on and he wanted to let them know how confused he was. How overwhelmed he was. Everything was _too much_. He was hurt and sad and he couldn't understand. He couldn't understand why they suddenly cared.

"Why do you care what happens to me?" He asked in such a small voice the members almost didn't hear him.

"You don't like me."

The members looked at him with something that Changkyun was finally starting to recognize as a mixture of worry, guilt and sadness. Changkyun's eyes widened and he felt more tears dropped at this.

_Too much._

"I don't understand." He added brokenly. "I hate this." He felt himself swayed to the side. This time, he couldn't find the strength to steady himself. He could see how the floor was getting closer and closer to his face.

"Shit!" He heard Kihyun's cursed as he felt someone caught him before his head hit the floor.

And then, it was nothing.

\---

End of Chapter 2.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just to share with you guys, I've always wanted to explore post No Mercy feelings not just from Changkyun's side but also from the members' side. I also want to emphasize that relationships and feelings don't just heal over night no matter how much we want to. Time is key to everything and communications are vital. And everyone struggles with that. It's nottttttt easy. I hope I am able to portray that in this story. 
> 
> *Also, I didn't proofread this chapter so I apologize in advance for any grammatical errors and typos.
> 
> Enjoy this chapter! :))

Changkyun does not remember much of the occurrence after he had fainted except for a few soft murmuring voices around him. He does, however, remembered the feelings he had felt. He remembered being in so much pain and hearing a whimpering sound that he suspected, probably came from him. He also vaguely remembered that occasionally, there was something wet placed on his forehead and the feeling of someone gently running their hand through his hair. The feeling was so soothing it kept him under and he found himself unable to escape the darkness that he was sinking deeper into.

However, as much as he tried to stay on for as long as he can, the darkness could only host him for so long. Soon, he found himself being lifted from the dark spells around him. He began to feel different sensations across his body. His head was laying on something soft. There was a thick but fluffy blanket thrown over him. His throat still felt dry. His whole body _ached_. It was not as bad as before, but it was definitely _uncomfortable_. He felt his eyelids flattered, awaking him more and more.

Changkyun opened his eyes to see that he was in his shared bedroom at the dorm. His eyes wandered around the room and he realized that none of his roommates were present. Or his members for that matter. He does not dwell on it. In fact, he was _glad_. Despite still being hazy from having just woken up, his mind remembered what had happened before he fainted. He sighed as he felt that same twisting pain from before lurked back into his heart. He was still _hurt_. And he was _still_ so so, _confused_. He remembered the last words that was spoken by Wonho and the different emotions shown on the members' faces.

_But,_

_What had they meant?_

_Why did they look like that?_

Changkyun felt too hurt, too tired and too sick to think too much about it now so he won't. He still felt overwhelmed by everything that has happened. He sighed and let out a small cough. He wished he had the energy to go to the kitchen and fetch himself some water. 

Changkyun was startled from his thoughts when he heard the door to his bedroom open. He looked weakly at his door and saw Kihyun walking in carrying a tray with something that looked like a glass of water, a bowl and a small towel. Changkyun felt relieved at the sight of water but at the same time, he also did not know how he was supposed to react. He wasn't prepared to have the older man's presence around him yet. He felt too vulnerable and too exposed at the moment. He could feel his heart started to beat faster, letting him know that his anxiety was slowly building up. He tried to calm himself down.

Kihyun on the other hand, had carefully closed the door and walked towards Changkyun's bed. As soon as the older man shifted his eyes and they fell upon Changkyun awake ones, he let out a small gasp. His eyes widened with so much relief, it unnerved Changkyun. 

“Changkyun.” Kihyun cried out. “You’re awake.” He gave Changkyun a small smile. Changkyun quickly turned his eyes away from the vocalist. Kihyun's smile turned sad but the younger failed to notice this.

"I'm so gla- how-how are you feeling?" Kihyun stuttered awkwardly. He had stopped walking and he now stood frozen at his spot as he stared at the maknae. 

Changkyun kept quiet and slowly turned his back towards Kihyun to face the wall, silently telling the older man to leave him alone. He does not wish to have any conversation or interaction with the older. His heart still hurts so much and he just wanted to go back to sleep. Kihyun let out a sigh at the clear rejection he was receiving. Despite this, he decided to be brave and went closer to the younger. He carefully placed the tray on the bedside table and stood next to the bed.

"Look. Changkyun. Can we please talk?" Kihyun asked gently. He could see the line of tension on the maknae's shoulders. He frowned, swallowing the _disgust_ he felt towards himself at that moment. "Changkyun. Please." He tried again.

Changkyun chose to remain quiet and refused to turn around.

_There was nothing to talk about._

"Please Changkyun." Kihyun begged softly. "Please give me a chance to explain."

Silence.

"Okay." Kihyun tried not to let his disappointment show but he wasn't too sure if he was successful. Although, he was sure it probably slipped the maknae's mind. "Can you at least let me change the towel on your forehead?"

Silence.

"Are you okay to do it yourself then?"

When he still receive no answer from the younger, Kihyun decided to leave it be and not push his luck. Changkyun was still sensitive, _hurt_ and he does not trust him. The thought hurt Kihyun but he has no one to blame but himself. He sighed and ran a hand through his hair again.

"Okay. I will give you some space. But when you are ready we really do need to talk. Please Changkyun. There are just- they are just so many misunderstandings between you and the members. Between you _and_ me." Kihyun almost choked on his words but he willed it away.

When it was clear that he wasn't going to get any response from the younger, he hesitantly left the room.

\---

Changkyun spent two days like this on his bed. He refused to talk to anyone or acknowledge any presence. Any time a member came into the bedroom to talk to him, he would just turned his back away from them. The message was clear each time for each of them. The members would try their luck every chance they got, but Changkyun was determined. He would not _budge_. He didn't _want_ to talk to them. He didn't _want_ to hear their apology. He does not want to give them that privilege. He had somehow convinced himself that they only felt sorry because he was sick and he had _fainted_. They never really cared about him. The few encounters he had with them recently had proven that. All he did was breathe and they would still hate him. Every time they talk to him, nothing but hurtful things come out of their mouths. It _hurt_. He knew he would have to face them sooner or later when he was well but for now, he would postpone it for as long as he could.

The members situation was also made difficult, along with Changkyun's stubbornness, when the management had given Changkyun 3 days off to recover which resulted in Changkyun staying in bed all day long for the past two days. It made it harder for them to talk to the youngest as he didn't even leave his bed accept to go to the bathroom- which he sneakily does when they were not around despite how weak he looked. 

Changkyun on the other hand, felt proud at himself. For the first time ever, he felt like he was standing up for himself from his members.

He won't let them hurt him anymore.

However, spending time by himself also meant that Changkyun had to spend a lot more time dwelling on his own thoughts and insecurities. Feelings that he would rather store deep inside his heart, but he couldn't stop himself from thinking about it. So he spent more time trying to process everything that has happened to him so far. He begun to think about his situation from the moment he became a trainee at Starship, to being suddenly added to the No Mercy lineup as part of boosting the show's for ratings, to winning and becoming one the members of Monsta X, to his relationship with his members. Everything had happened so fast. So many things had happened outside of his control. First, he had no control when his original group was disbanded because their company when bankrupt. Then, he had no control over which company he would be sent to. He was sent to Starship without his consent. There was no prior discussion. One day his bag and things was shoved into the trunk of a van and he was sent to Starship's dorm for trainees. He wasn't even allowed to go back home or call his parents to recover from the shock of everything. He had no _control_. After that, No Mercy happened. Another situation he had not control over. They didn't even bother to tell him he was going to be a contestant until that faithful night at the restaurant.

And _now_ , he couldn't even control his own thoughts.

He couldn't even _fix_ his fragile relationship with the members.

He couldn't even _make_ them respect him and _accept_ him.

He couldn't even _stop_ them from hurting him accept for this _pathetic_ excuse to run away from them by hiding in his bed.

There was absolutely _nothing_ that he could control in his life. _Nothing._

He is such sad and pathetic person.

Changkyun knew that he was overwhelming himself he could not stop. His thoughts and emotions now spiraling out of control. His head was spinning into a dangerous frenzy. He _needed_ to stop. He _wanted_ to stop.

He didn't even realize that he had began to cry.

Changkyun was so distracted with trying to calm himself down from his onslaught panic, that he didn't even notice a presence inside his room. It was only after that said present called out his name softly but urgently that he jolted upwards on the bed. As soon as he saw who it was he shifted backwards, squeezing himself at the corner of the bed against the wall. He pulled his blanket tightly around him.

_Vulnerable._

He felt so _vulnerable_ and so _**exposed**_ at that moment. 

He began to cry harder.

"Please leave." He whispered brokenly, holding his blanket tighter. He couldn't breathe. He let out a sob. 

"Changkyun." Shownu called out his name again. "It's okay. Please breathe. Everything is okay." The older man was sat at the end of Changkyun's bed but he maintained a comfortable distance. He knew that if he went closer, Changkyun's panic will worsen. 

"Please leave!" Changkyun cried out. "Don't look at me!" 

"I promise you I won't do anything you don't like but please try to breathe Changkyun. You are having a panic attack." Shownu tried to reassure the younger man. 

Changkyun shook his head as he continued to cry. "I-I can't." He admitted. He still felt vulnerable that the leader was seeing him in this state but something about the gentleness in the older's voice, made him felt calmer and he immediately latched onto that comfort. "I can't hyung."

"Okay." Shownu smiled kindly. "Thanks for letting me know." He moved closer to the youngest but kept his eyes close at his reactions, ready to retreat if Changkyun showed even the slightest discomfort. "Can I hold your hand? You can say no." He then asked softly.

For a moment, Changkyun just stared at him. His eyes told Shownu that he was reading the situation, contemplating. The leader felt an ache inside his heart. The youngest should not have felt this wary and this distrust to seek comfort from another member. They had caused this. _He_ had caused this. And as their leader, he had failed to fix this.

Shownu internally shook himself from his thoughts. It was not about him right now. It was about Changkyun. Their maknae who looked so young right now. So broken and so so _so_ insecure. "You can say no Changkyun." He reassured the maknae again. But to his surprise, Changkyun nodded. Shownu smiled and took one of Changkyun's hand gently.

"You are being so brave." He praised. He then placed Changkyun's hand on his chest just above his heart.

"Follow my breathing. In and out." Shownu began instructing the maknae. He made sure to watch the maknae's reactions closely as they kept going, to seek any discomfort. It was hard at first for Changkyun but after awhile, he was able to follow the leader's breathing. 

After repeating this a couple of times, Changkyun's breathing finally evened out. He had also stopped crying. Shownu smiled proudly and gently let go of his hand. 

"You feeling any better?" He asked. Changkyun nodded and bit his bottom lip.

"Hey." Shownu quickly said. "None of that. Okay? I'm not judging you or anything. It's okay. We all have our bad days." Changkyun did not respond but he stopped biting his bottom lip, staring at Shownu warily. Eventually, he nodded his head. Satisfied, Shownu reached out to ruffle his hair but stopped himself halfway once he realized what he was doing. Changkyun was not _that_ close with him yet. He quickly retreated his hand and cleared his throat. 

"Sorry."

Changkyun merely shook his head. "It's okay."

A few moment of awkward silence passed between them. Shownu fidgeted on the bed. The only reason he had entered Changkyun's room was because he had heard the maknae crying when he walked passed by. Come to think of it, this was the first time Shownu had sat down like this with the maknae. The other members have all made the effort to talk to the youngest but Shownu wanted to give Changkyun time to process his thoughts and feelings. And if he was being honest, he was also scared of facing his responsibilities and duties as their leader. Kihyun had begged him a couple of time for him to talk to the maknae since he had ignored everyone else. He insisted that the maknae would open up to him. Shownu had dismissed that because he believed that he was the most distant with the maknae out of all the members. He only interacted with him when it was about work. The other members especially Kihyun had at least talk to him about other things, even if they are the things that had hurt their youngest and lead up to where they are now. He _sighed_ internally.

He has to fix this.

Just as he was about to say something Changkyun beat him to it.

"Why...did you help me?"

Shownu looked at the younger and saw him playing with his sleeves, avoiding direct contact with him. He saw this as an opportunity to talk to him. _Okay_. He could work with this.

"Why wouldn't I help you?" He threw a question back at the maknae. Changkyun bit his bottom lip again.

"Because you don't like me." There was a flash of pain that went through Changkyun's eyes as he said this. Shownu's heart ached for the many times again that night at the sight.

"Changkyun." Shownu began. "I don't feel that way about you. At least not anymore." He admitted. Changkyun nodded but Shownu saw that he couldn't hide his sadness at Shownu's honesty.

"No. Listen." He quickly said. "It's not what you think. I didn't like you before- because of the...shock of it all..." He tried to explain. "Everything was so sudden...I was just...we were just...ugh..." He rubbed his hands across his face, annoyed at his inability to find the right words. Changkyun just stared at him, giving him the space to explain. 

"Gosh why are we so _bad_ at this???" Shownu groaned frustratingly. "Changkyun, we...the members...we don't feel that way about you anymore." He stated softly but firmly, begging the younger to understand. "It was all the past. I promise." He added.

Changkyun looked like he didn't quite believe the older man but he stayed quiet.

"It's really the truth." He assured again. "We didn't like you during the competition but you...you've grown on us." _God._ Why can't he ever find the right words? "You are important to this team."

Changkyun looked away but he finally asked the question that has been on his mind for quite some time. 

"But why do you keep...saying hurtful things to me?" He bit his lip again and looked away. Shownu wished he could tape the maknae's mouth just so he would stop. He was going to bleed it at this rate. 

"What do you mean...hurtful things?"

Shownu did not remember the members saying any hurtful things to the maknae recently. Sure they were nasty in the past but like he had told Changkyun, those were their feelings in the past. They don't feel that way anymore towards the younger. In fact, there is a fondness that they feel in their heart every time they look at him. At how hard he put his efforts in everything that he does. How he listens to them carefully. How polite and kind he was. Shownu would even dare to say that the members truly does care about the maknae now. When he had fainted, they had all panic so much that the manager hyung had to stepped in carried the maknae. 

"For example...Kihyun hyung got mad at me..." Changkyun tried to explain. "....for not joining breakfast...." Now that the words are out of his mouth, Changkyun felt stupid for even saying it in the first place. He sounded like a child complaining about being scolded for something as trivial as breakfast. He tried not to hide his face in his blanket. "I didn't mean to be selfish and got him into trouble with the manager hyung but...I was never invited before so yeah...." 

Changkyun didn't even know why he was telling all of this to the leader. He was supposed to be wary of the older man but somehow, he couldn't stop himself once he started.

"Changkyun. Kihyun was not mad at you." Shownu looked at the maknae with his brow raised. 

"You have no idea how many times he complains to me that you never eat with us and he never got the chance to feed you the food he made." He chuckled at the confused and disbelieved looked Changkyun threw at him. "If anything, he's trying to get closer with you."

"It's true!" He insisted. "Kihyun is just...bad at showing to people how much he cares. He's terrible with words, always causing people to misunderstand him but if you pay closer attention to his actions...you can see how much he cares. He probably cares the most out of the members. He cares about all of us the most. The team." Shownu smiled softly at that. 

"He's not the only one. I'm bad with words too...actually all of us are...." He slowly added, seeing the contemplating look Changkyun was now wearing on his face. He seemed thoughtful. Like he was thinking deeply about something. The older man continued his words.

"...we know how much our past actions and words have hurt you...but still can't find the right words to say to you to mend things...we should have tried harder to make you feel included...it's not your fault you felt like you are not welcomed to join us..."

"But Minhyuk hyung said..." Changkyun whispered softly, like he was afraid to say it out loud. Shownu frowned. 

"It's okay Changkyun. You can say anything you want. I promise I won't get mad."

"He said I needed special invitation."Changkyun looked heartbroken as he said this. "And everyone agrees with him."

"I promise you we don't agree with him Changkyun." Shownu responded as he reached out his finger to stop the younger from biting his bottom lip again.

Changkyun looked into his eyes as he shook his head. "But you didn't say anything against him. None of you did. It must mean that you agree with him."

"No. It doesn't." Shownu stated firmly. He sighed as he started to realize something.

_How many misunderstandings have they caused with Changkyun due to their poor judgments?_

"I'm sorry we didn't." Shownu admitted. He was not going to lie. They did do that. They didn't defend the maknae as soon as Minhyuk said those words. "We should have. There is no excuse for that. I know this probably won't help much or make you feel better, but Kihyun gave him an earful after that. Even Jooheon ah glared at him." 

Changkyun turned his eyes away. Another moment of silence passed through them.

"It's just all...too much to take in...at the moment." Changkyun finally said. Shownu nodded in understanding but kept quiet, encouraging Changkyun to continue.

"I've always had this belief that you all hated me...still _hates_ me...." Changkyun pulled his blanket tighter around himself again. "I mean...we're not even friends...we are together in a team...but we're not...friends....and now you are telling that your feelings have changed...and what I have been feeling all this while was just a huge misunderstanding...I don't know what to think anymore." He sounded so young then. Shownu's heart broke. 

"No Changkyun." Shownu shook his head sadly. "This does not invalidate your feelings. Not at all. Whatever you are feeling then and whatever you are feeling now are all valid. We _made_ you feel that way Changkyun. It doesn't matter whether it was on purpose or not. The point is, they are your feelings so it's okay...." Again, Shownu wished he was better with choice of words but this was the best he could do. He hoped Changkyun understands his point. "There's nothing wrong to feel that way and I want you to know that I'm thankful that you told me your feelings." He finished with a reassuring smile.

Changkyun looked at Shownu. The older man could see his tears welling up.

"I''m sorry Changkyun." Shownu apologized as he looked directly into the younger's eyes. Changkyun must have not expect an apology because he looked really surprised. His eyes widened. 

"I'm sorry that I have never apologized for all the things that I have said and done to you. For all the pain I have caused you during No Mercy and after. It's okay if you don't forgive me but I wanted to say I'm sorry. I can't say sorry on behalf of the others but I'm sorry that you've been hurt even until now because of me. I'm sorry I wasn't much of a leader. I made you feel unwelcomed until now that you are even afraid to do such a simple thing as having meal with us. That says a lot. So, I'm really sorry maknae ah." Shownu whispered his last words shakily. 

"The first thing we all should have done was say, we are sorry."

Changkyun felt his tears rolled down his cheeks at the leader's words. 

"I-I don't know what to say." He admitted honestly. "It's just too much right now hyung." Shownu nodded. It was understandable.

"It's okay Changkyun just be with your feelings. Don't worry about me. It's okay. You don't have to do anything or say anything you don't want to now." He assured the younger.

"Okay." Changkyun responded with a tremble to his voice. "Can you please...give me some time to think...I- I just need to be alone right now..." He pleaded with a small voice. "There are so many things I have to process."

Shownu smiled kindly. He nodded. "Of course Changkyun ah." The leader then stood up and walked towards the door. Before he left he turned around. "Thank you for trusting me and telling me your feelings. I know it was not easy. I want you to know I appreciate that even though I don't deserve your trust."

Changkyun looked at the older man and nodded. He then laid down and turned his back towards the older. 

"Thank you too...for helping me...."

Shownu almost missed it, but he heard it loud and clear. He beamed and left the room. 

Now that he had talked to Changkyun, there are five other people he needed to talk to.

It was time he did his job properly.

\---

End of Chapter 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Someone help these kids send them to communication class 101 cuz I can't with them *sniffles


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the late update. Been caught up with so much work I barely have any time to write. Adulting sucks sometimes. Anyways, I just wanna say thank you for all the comments so far. I hope you all know that I read every single of them and that I truly appreciate them. They kept me motivated as an author and I love to know your thoughts. 
> 
> This chapter will be all about unpackaging some issues and exploring relationships dynamic. Again, I hope I have managed to show the emotions and feelings of each character.
> 
> Please note that I never have time to proofread my work so I apologize for any grammatical errors or typos. Please also note that I will add more chapters to this fic because apparently 5 chapters is not enough lol.
> 
> Happy reading!

It was the very next day after his conversation with Shownu that Changkyun finally decided to leave the safety of his cocoon. He still felt weak and there was still this lingering soreness to his limbs but he definitely felt better. He wasn't coughing as much and it was easier to breathe. The medication that was left by his bed side was definitely helping. He wanted to sleep more but he realized that he was sick of laying down on his bed. He was also sick of staring at the walls of his room. He could use some change of environment. 

Changkyun took a deep breathe as he hastily step further into the hallway separating the rooms and the living room. Once he reached the end of the hallway, he carefully peaked his head out towards the living room, wary of the members noticing his presence. He didn't think he could handle six pair of eyes on him so early in the morning especially after he had avoided contact with them since his little incident. Well, technically it was _not_ that early in the morning as it was already pass nine. So Changkyun was sure that the members were all up and about except for maybe, Hyungwon. The older male can sleep through a hurricane.

Changkyun wandered his eyes around, taking the scene of the living room. He heaved out a sigh of relief when he saw that only Jooheon was present. The older rapper was busy typing away on his phone. Changkyun guessed that the other remaining members were probably in the kitchen. He briefly wondered why they haven't left for their schedule yet. Maybe there was a change in schedule that he didn't know about. He looked at Jooheon again and bit his lip, debating with himself whether he should enter the living room or run back to the safety and comfort of his room. The later option was tempting. But then he thought about what Shownu had said to him the other night again. After the leader had left, he had actually spent the whole night thinking about it. Obviously, there were still many question marks, gaps and things he was yet to understand, but there was one thing that he was certain about now, the conversation had definitely shed some new light into his perspective. Things he hadn't thought of or considered before. He decided to be brave. 

Changkyun was disturbed from his thoughts however, when he heard the sound of something falling on the floor. He looked towards the source and saw that Jooheon had stood up. The older male was looking at him with wide eyes. Changkyun suddenly felt nervous again and he found himself feeling guarded.

"Changkyun." Jooheon nervously said as he played with the end of his sleeves. He kept looking at at the youngest. His eyes shone a mixture of surprise and something akin to....relief(?), as if he couldn't believe that Changkyun was standing in front of him.

"You're awake." Jooheon sputtered. "Um, come here! I mean, get out of there, no no, I mean- um, do you- do you wanna sit down?" He then mumbled quietly under his breath, " _Shit_."

Changkyun blinked. Something clicking at the back of his mind but his still tired brain couldn't fully process it yet. He does, however, found some of his guard falling and his nervousness started to wash away. Perhaps, it was the way Jooheon had seemed nervous himself or perhaps it was because Changkyun realized that he wasn't really afraid of the older man, he wasn't _sure_ , but there was definitely something that pushed him forward.

He took the first step and entered the living space. 

"Um. Yeah. That was my original plan anyway." He found himself say. This time, it was Jooheon who blinked. His reaction spurred some unknown feelings inside Changkyun's stomach. 

Changkyun gently sat down on the couch, trying his hardest to look casual. He leaned back and looked at Jooheon who was still blinking and staring at him.

"Hyung, um. You can, sit." Changkyun told him patting the seat next to him awkwardly.

Jooheon blinked one more time and nodded. The older male looked flustered as he sat down next to Changkyun. However, there were still some distance between them. Changkyun appreciated that. They are not at that stage yet with one another.

For a moment the two of them just sat quietly, _awkwardly_ , neither knowing what to say to the other to break the silence. Changkyun tried to remove the feeling off his skin by wandering his eyes around the space. His eyes soon caught something on the floor next to the couch. It was a phone. _And_ he recognized that it was Jooheon's phone. This must be the thing thing that fell. He blinked and felt that same clicking sound at the back of his mind. He willed it away, bent down and grabbed the phone. He turned to Jooheon, who was watching his movement and handed it over. The older man blinked as he stared at his phone in Changkyun's hand.

"Oh- right. Thank you." Jooheon let out a small smile and reached out to take his phone. "I forgot about that." He chuckled shyly.

Changkyun nodded. "It's not broken is it?"

Jooheon turned his phone around to check. He shook his head. "Nope. It's fine." He told the the younger rapper. "What a relief." He added.

Changkyun merely nodded while Jooheon cleared his throat. 

"Um, so how are you feeling?" He asked the younger rapper. 

"I'm fine." Changkyun replied before changing his mind. For some reason he didn't want to lie to the other. "I still feel a little bit sick...but...better." 

Jooheon's smile widened even though it was still awkward looking and shy. Something stirred again in Changkyun's stomach.

"Great. Awesome. Cool." Jooheon continued to rumble. "Yeah. Good to know?" He rubbed the back of his neck and cleared his throat again. "Breakfast should be ready soon." He then told Changkyun. 

"Oh. I see." Changkyun responded, blinking. He wasn't quite sure what to make of this interaction between him and Jooheon. It was nothing but awkward but Changkyun found that he didn't really mind it. "You can go." 

Jooheon looked taken aback by his respond and something flickered in his eyes. Changkyun realized what it was and quickly added. "I mean, go like...to have breakfast. Not go like, because I don't want you to sit next to me or anything...um yeah."

The older rapper blink his eyes again but his expression has cleared. "Oh. Um, what about you?"

"I'll just have something later." Changkyun shrugged. Jooheon let out a heavy sigh and looked at the youngest disapprovingly.

"Why later? You can have something now. What's wrong with _now?_ " He pressed.

Changkyun blinked and turned his eyes away. 

"No. Changkyun that's not- _shit_ why I'm always bad at _this_." Jooheon sputtered, sounding stressed. Changkyun turned his eyes back towards the other.

Jooheon run his hand through his hair and took a deep breathe to calm himself down. He then cleared his throat again.

"What I'm trying to say is, please join us, that is for breakfast." He finally said. "I would like it, if you join us for breakfast."

"Oh." Changkyun blinked again. He kept doing that a lot this morning. Jooheon too, he noted to himself quietly. However, the main point here was that Changkyun definitely did not expect to receive this invitation from the other when he decided to leave his room this morning. He didn't know what he _was_ expecting but it was definitely _not_ this.

"Are you sure?" Changkyun asked in a small voice as bit his lip. He felt small all of a sudden, disbelief.

"Yes. I'm sure." Jooheon confirmed, sensing the stress coming from the younger. He looked directly into Changkyun's eyes.

"Changkyun please look at me." He said firmly but kindly, prompting the youngest to look at him.

"I really want you to join us for breakfast."

"Is this because of what I said?" Changkyun wanted to believe him. But it was _too_ good to be true. This was only because of what he said before when he had that fallout with Kihyun. He was sure of it. The older male probably felt sorry for him. Jooheon on the other hand, felt a sting to his heart at the younger's words.

"No." Jooheon reassured gently with a sad smile. "I wish you didn't have to say that. I wish I have just asked you before you know, everything. Or at least, made you feel welcomed to join us." 

"I've always want you to join us for breakfast Changkyun ah."

Changkyun felt tears forming in his eyes at the older's words and he quickly turned away. Jooheon could feel his own eyes started to get wet at the sight. He too, turned away.

Despite this none of them move to comfort the other. Both of them seemingly lost with their own thoughts and feelings. This is because they both fully understood the depth of the situation and how they stood with each other. This was not like a regular fight between friends or brothers or a squabble between family members. This was a situation between two strangers who happen to live together, _work_ together, one who has _been_ hurt and one who was _doing_ the hurt, happen to _realize_ how they actually _do_ want to _move forward_ and _amend_ things, that they _do_ care, but _still_ understood, the stage in which their relationship is still at. They both understood the very thin line of connection they have with each other. It wasn't something that they can fix over one conversation or one night. No proper _words_ can fix this. They couldn't just hug it out like friends or brothers or families do. This wall exists between them. They accepted this. This boundary. This bridge that was waiting to be connected. But _trust_ and _connection_ cannot be built over night. They have to work really hard to reach it. 

_The question is, are they willing too?_

Changkyun wiped his tears away with his sleeves and looked at Jooheon. The older rapper doing the same with his tears. For awhile they just stared into each other's eyes, communicating things that their words have failed many times. The longer he looks, the more Changkyun could see and feel the genuine in Jooheon's eyes. He felt his eyes getting wet again. 

"Changkyun. I'm sorry for everything. I hope we can start over." Jooheon finally said. There was an underlying determination to the tone of his voice.

"I really hope we can start over."

"Okay." Chankyun replied, something warm starting to form in his chest.

"Okay hyung."

_That was their answer._

\----

Changkyun quietly trailed behind Jooheon as they walked into the crowded kitchen. He still wasn't sure if this was the right decision for himself. His relationship with the other members were still like walking on egg shells, and he was scared of getting hurt if they reject his presence. Just like how it hurt when they would turn silent every time he entered the room back in their earlier days. Even though, _technically_ , the ignoring him like he didn't even exist, as they continue to chatter wasn't any better. He could feel his nerves prickling underneath his skin as he walked further into the kitchen. He saw that the members were all occupied with something. 

Kihyun was busy scooping some rice into the bowls arranged in a line on the counter. Their leader Shownu, was reading the newspaper was sipping a cup of coffee. Wonho was preparing his protein shake while Minhyuk was finishing the table set up. And finally, Hyungwon was half draped across the table, dozing off. Changkyun was surprised to see him there. Jooheon had informed him that their schedule this morning was postponed. They will only have dance practice in the evening. For now, they have some free time to do whatever they want. So Changkyun had expected Hyungwon to still be asleep. He had never let go of any opportunity to sleep before. Changkyun shook his head as he followed Jooheon to the dining table and sat down on the chair Jooheon pulled out for him. He kept his eyes down as he tried to not let his nerves get to him. 

He couldn't believe that he was doing this.

_This would be the first time he will be eating with his members._

"Alright, Minhyuk get these on the table while I scoop the Kimchi Jigae." Kihyun turned around to pass two bowls to Minhyuk when he noticed Changkyun. Immediately, his eyes widened and he almost drop the bowls he was holding.

"Changkyun!" The vocalist sputtered like he was out of breath. He stared at the youngest in shock. Changkyun just kept staring at his hands placed on his lap.

Kihyun's voice caught everyone's attention and they all turned to looked at him, and then at the maknae. They gasped. Changkyun felt his cheeks getting hot with embarrassment at the attention and reaction he was getting. He wasn't sure if that was a bad or a good reaction even though Jooheon had assured him that nobody minded having him at breakfast, or any meal for that matter. He was welcomed to join. Although, he still felt wary, he couldn't help it, it wasn't something he can overcome just because he and Jooheon had decided put their past behind. Plus, it was just Jooheon's opinion. And the staring was definitely _not_ helping.

Kihyun placed the two bowls back on the counter and walked closer to the younger. He seemed lost for words as his eyes lingered between Changkyun and Jooheon. He looked like he had so many things to say but at the same time, nothing to say at all. 

"Hyung, quit gaping like a fish." Jooheon finally said to the older man. "You look weird."

At the later's words, Kihyun finally recovered from his shock state. "I do not look like a fish!" He glared at Jooheon.

"Well, I'm sure everyone here agrees with me including Changkyunnie." Jooheon insisted with a poker face. Changkyun was startled at the nickname but said nothing.

Kihyun however, was reminded of the present situation at the mention of Changkyun's name. He turned to gapped at the maknae again.

"Yes hyung, Changkyun is joining us today. Fish not a good look on you remember?" Jooheon told Kihyun and gave a look to the other members that Changkyun did not see as he was busy staring at his lap.

He quickly turned around and scoop some rice into the empty bowl on the counter. Changkyun realized belatedly that Kihyun had actually lined up seven bowls on the counter, even though he only filled six. It was as if he was waiting for Changkyun to join them, but Changkyun never did, but he prepared anyway just in case. He briefly remembered Shownu's words. Something fluttered in his stomach.

He _willed_ it away.

After filling the bowl with the proper amount of rice, Kihyun walked over and placed the bowl in front of Changkyun.

"Thank you hyung." Changkyun said shyly as he finally looked at the older male. 

Kihyun looked like he had not expected that Changkyun would talk to him especially after everything that kept happening between the two of them. He got flustered and waved his hands around. "You're...you're welcome." He rubbed the back of his neck. "Are you feeling any better?" Changkyun nodded. 

"Do you need anything else? Something else to eat? Your medication perhaps??" Changkyun shook his head as he looked down again, not used to older's gentle tone.

"Okay." Kihyun sounded disappointed but he did not let it show for long. "Right, lets eat everyone." 

\---

"Ya Hyungwon. Stop licking my kitchen table and start licking, I mean start eating your food!" Kihyun scolded as he pointed at the bowl of rice in front of Hyungwon. Changkyun, who was taking another sip of his water flinched internally at the sharpness in Kihyun's voice. 

"I'm not hungry. I'll eat later." Hyungwon merely shrugged and said. 

"Eat Hyungwon." Kihyun said tightly.

"I said later." Hyungwon replied stubbornly, as if he was a child fighting his mother.

Changkyun looked at the two of worriedly, afraid that the banter will escalate. However, he noticed that the other members didn't even bat an eye. They continue eating and having small conversations with one another. It was as if they were used to it.

"What do you mean later??" Kihyun raised his tone of voice with a frown. "Later means close to dance practice time, because I'm sure you'll go back to sleep right after this and miss lunch. And that means you will either eat or not eat before the dance practice because we will be in a rush. Which means, during dance practice you will drag the whole team down!"

Changkyun stared at Kihyun's in shock. He understood Kihyun's anger but wasn't that a little bit of out line? Even though Changkyun was always at the receiving end of the hurtful words from Kihyun and the others, he didn't expect them to throw it around to each other as well. Aren't they friends? Changkyun then looked at Hyungwon who appeared unbothered by the hurtful words. In fact, his expressions softened and somehow his stubborn demeanor shifted.

Changkyun was confused to say the least. 

"Fine." Hyungwon finally relented, as he grabbed his chopsticks. He then began began munching quietly. At this, Kihyun beamed happily while Changkyun blinked.

_Huh?_

"Tsk." Minhyuk suddenly said as he poked Hyungwon's cheeks fondly. "Don't forget to have some of the meat. You need the iron. We don't want to call the ambulance again if you fainted on us. It's too much for Kihyun's fragile heart."

Oh. _Oh._

That's _right_.

Hyungwon is anemic.

He had overheard the members mentioned it before to a staff that Hyungwon had fainted back when they were still trainees, before he joined Starship. Changkyun can't believe he had forgotten about that. However, that still _does not_ solve his confusion.

Changkyun turned his eyes back on Kihyun. He blinked as he saw Kihyun putting some meat and spinach onto Hyungwon's bowl. Hyungwon wordlessly accepting everything given to him. He looked around and saw the rest of the members looking at the two of them with various forms of endearment. 

Shownu's words rang again for the many times that day.

And something clicked again at the back of Changkyun's mind.

\---

End of Chapter 4.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Btw Love Killa is amazing I know I'm late but I love the entire album esp this song k bye.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the long overdue update. Every time I want to update, work gets in the way. And it's even crazier now that we are approaching the new year. I miss those day where I can just update my stories any time I want. Anyways, enough about work. I hope you guys enjoy this short update. I will try to finish this fanfic as soon as possible. I don't want to keep it hanging for much longer.
> 
> In the meantime, do leave me your thoughts. I would love to hear what you think of the story so far and this chapter too of course. It will also keep me motivated to continue writing :)
> 
> Happy reading!
> 
> Note: As always I didn't have time to proofread my work so please understand that any grammatical errors made is not on purpose.

Changkyun found himself settled into a routine.

He found himself joining the members for breakfast everyday since the day he first joined them. It became such a regular occurrence now that the awkward atmosphere he always feels when he was around his members was slowly dissipating with each passing day. There wasn't much conversations happening between him and the members although, they have started to greet him with ' _Good Morning Changkyun_ ' or ' _Did you sleep well Changkyun?_ ' every time he walks into the kitchen. Mostly, they don't talk to him much or him to them except for work and schedule related topics. They still haven't reached that kind of level in their relationship where they would feel familiar and comfortable enough to talk about random things or joke with each other. But Changkyun found that he didn't really mind. He wasn't much of a talker in the first place and he had always preferred to observe people. And by observing, he found that he was learning many new interesting things about his members that he never notice previously. It was like looking at the back of a painting. You don't know what to expect but at the same time, you expect nothing. It was both unknown and intriguing. 

He learned that Kihyun's actions varies by a whole mile with his words. You need to look at his eyes to see the real truth of his thoughts or feelings.

He learned that Jooheon is easily startled by almost everything around him. Even by his own reflection in the mirror.

He learned that Hyungwon will only take 3 bites of food before opening a packet of chips and gobbling them. He always gets into trouble with Kihyun for that. 

He learned that Wonho is a sensitive person at heart and cries easily for just about everything. He once cried after seeing a video of puppies swimming in an inflatable pool. 

He learned that Shownu has a habit of blinking his eyes three times before turning to another page of the book he is reading.

He learned that Minhyuk has random knowledge about so many things. Every time he shares something to the members his eyes would sparkle brightly.

These little things that he was learning about his members help soothe the fear he has for them. He was starting to see them as just regular people instead of intimidating figures that he was constantly wary of. He still wasn't 100% comfortable with them but he wasn't nervous around them anymore. He found himself liking this small feeling of ease slowly forming inside his heart.

Thinking about these little things, Changkyun wondered if the members had learned new things about him too.

He quickly shook that thought away. Just because they are no longer hostile with him does not mean he was an interesting enough person for them. He was still that person who suddenly appeared in their lives _unexpectedly_ and _unwantedly_.

Changkyun quickly finished his last bits of rice as he heard Shownu telling them that the manager hyung would be there in five minutes. After making sure he didn't leave any food behind (he hates wasting food and maybe, he didn't want to _hurt_ Kihyun's feelings but nobody _needs_ to know _that_ ), he stood up to wash his bowls and cutleries. As soon as he finishes, Changkyun ran to his room to grab his things and waited for the other members in the living room. 

"Hey, you left this."

Changkyun was startled out of his musings when he heard Minhyuk talk to him. He raised his eyes and look at the older man, shocked. This was a first for Changkyun. Minhyuk had never approached him first outside of work. For _anything_.

"Your phone. You left it on your bed." Minhyuk told him as he held the phone up for Changkyun to take. Changkyun blinked and quickly reach out to grab the phone, still feeling shocked.

"Oh. Thank you Minhyuk-shi. I didn't even realize it." Changkyun softly said. He saw the older man frowned in response and something flickered in his eyes, but it was hard to tell because it was gone as quickly as it came. Changkyun found himself staring into older man's eyes as a result.

"We should go." Minhyuk cleared his throat awkwardly and looked away. "Manager hyung is already waiting downstairs. We need to go."

Changkyun moved his eyes away and nodded his head. 

"Okay."

\---

Changkyun found himself thinking about his earlier interaction with Minhyuk in the van ride to the company. Out of all the members, Minhyuk was the one who interacted the least with him. Although, the vocalist no longer show any form of aggressiveness or hostility towards Changkyun like he tended to do previously. He even stopped sending snide remarks or side comments to Changkyun even when the chance presents itself. For the most part, he still ignores Changkyun's existence but the air didn't feel so tight around them anymore. It was a little easier to breathe and Changkyun can let his guard down a little bit. Changkyun was okay with being ignored as long as the older man leave him alone. 

However, the expression that Minhyuk wore made Changkyun wonder about some things. In the group, half of the members have made an attempt to either apologize to him (Shownu and Jooheon) or made an effort to treat him better (Kihyun who is bad with words but Changkyun can read him better now). While others, like Wonho and Hyungwon, pretended that nothing has ever happened between them. They talk to him casually, more than before. It wasn't overly friendly or warm, it was more formal and polite more than anything. Which Changkyun actually didn't mind as long as they weren't breathing around his neck. With Minhyuk however, it was different. He was the one member who still didn't look at Changkyun in the eyes or say anything to him unless _absolutely_ necessary. He was also the one who still made it clear, through his actions and indifferent attitude, that he didn't care much about Changkyun's feelings. Somehow, they have a mutual understanding to just ignore and tolerate each other. After a while, Changkyun got used to the comfort that he didn't have to walk on eggshells that much anymore. Therefore, for Minhyuk to suddenly approached him willingly and made that kind of expression directed at Changkyun, was worrying. He was worried that he had somehow offended Minhyuk and then they would go back to square one where the older man would be aggressive and hostile to him. He shivered just thinking about that. 

Nonetheless, Changkyun also wondered if that expression could mean something entirely different. A new back of the painting that he needs to explore. He was, after all, still learning new things about his members. He had also learned previously that there were a few things he had misunderstood on his end. But he was not close to the vocalist, so he can only guess. He also didn't want to feed his heart with things that will break him at the end. It was better to not have any expectations and be content with what he has going on now with the members especially Minhyuk. With that in mind, Changkyun closed his eyes and willed these thoughts away. They still got some time before they arrive at the company, he might as well nap a little.

\---

Practice ran longer than planned because they were learning a new song for a special stage for the fans who had supported them through No Mercy. The performance was set a few days before their official debut day. The company targets to increase the hype from fans and the general public before their debut. The special stage was part of the many strategies that they are undertaking for Monsta X. The choreography for the new song was the toughest one yet that they had ever had to learn, so when their choreographer finally announced lunch break, Changkyun was completely beat. He had sweats all over his body which made him feel 10 times more disgusting. He couldn't wait to take a shower and feel clean again.

Changkyun leaned tiredly and heavily against the mirrored wall as he looked around the practice room. The members scattered across the room. They were either sitting down against something, or someone, or laying down in various forms. All of them completely covered in sweats and feeling the same exhaustion Changkyun was feeling. After calming his heart beat down and gulping down half of water of out of his bottle, Changkyun decided to listen to some relaxing jazz music while he waits for their manager hyung to bring up their lunch. Changkyun soon found himself dozing off until he felt someone gently brushed his bangs to the side. He tried not flinched as he opened his eyes. 

"Sorry I startled you Maknae." Kihyun smiled down softly at him. "The food is here so I wanted to wake you up."

Changkyun was still not used to this sort of affection from the main vocalist, this new chapter in their relationship was still very much _raw,_ but that does not mean he didn't gravitate towards it. He has to admit to himself that he was starting to enjoy the small affections(?), is that what it's called?, that Kihyun showered him from time to time. The other man was definitely making an effort to close the bridge he has with Changkyun. What he couldn't say with words, he shows with gestures and actions. Changkyun was beginning to get good at reading Kihyun's underlying meanings. 

"That's okay." Changkyun responded. "Thank you for waking me up hyung." 

Kihyun smiled wider at him. "Come, lets eat together." He then helped Changkyun to his feet and almost dragged the maknae to the small circle that was already forming by the rest of the members. Changkyun let him without a word, still feeling tired and drowsy.

"Here." Wonho passed Changkyun his lunch box as soon as Changkyun sat down. "This is yours." 

"Thank you Wonho hyung." Changkyun nodded and opened his lunch box. It was a simple lunch box set with rice, meet and stirred fried vegetables and egg, but it smelt really good. Changkyun was drooling so wasted no time to inhale his food. 

As Changkyun ate, conversations flowed around naturally. He didn't pay much attention to it, focusing solely on his food but he kept one ear out just in case he was addressed. He didn't want to be unnecessarily rude. 

Changkyun was busy separating some onions from his vegetable that he almost dropped his lunch box when he felt something cold touched his cheek out of no where. He let out a small yelp and looked at the source. It was a bottle of really _cold_ (the thing touched his cheek it was freaking cold alright) juice of some sort, held by none other that Lee Jooheon who was busy giggling and grinning at Changkyun's reaction. Changkyun raised an eyebrow at him. Jooheon only continued to giggle.

"Sorry Kyunnie." Jooheon grinned wider. "You look so lost in thoughts I needed to bring you back to planet earth." His giggles turned to a soft laughter. 

"That's not nice hyung." Changkyun tried not to pout and remained cool. He was not _proud_ of his little yelp. "It's really cold." He added. Changkyun thinks he heard someone mumbled something like _cute_ but he was too distracted with Jooheon to be sure. 

"Here. I wanted to give you this." Jooheon placed the bottle of juice into his hands. Changkyun looked down and felt his heart skip a beat.

 _Grape Juice_.

He looked up to Jooheon and blinked.

"It's your favourite right? I always see you buy one from the vending machine after practice."

Changkyun felt like crying then and there.

\---

The next day Changkyun found himself enjoying another lunch with his members. This time at the dorm. They had just returned from their morning schedule and have about 3 hours before their next one. They had ordered a takeout since Kihyun mentioned he was too tired to cook. As they sat around the table, Changkyun found that he quite like having lunch with his members. It was definitely another step further for him. He had only been joining them for breakfast so far and will usually sit by himself for lunch or disappeared off somewhere. It was because he didn't want to force things and wanted to take things slowly (there was still that underlying insecurity in his heart about his place) but sitting together with them now, made him realized that he was ready to take that next step all along. He smiled internally at himself.

"Changkyun, here have another slice." Someone said to him as they placed a slice of pizza onto his plate.

"Oh. Thank you." Changkyun said softly. He looked at the said person and tried really hard not to let his shock shown when he realized it was Minhyuk. 

"I mean. Thank you Minhyuk-shi." Changkyun quickly added without a second thought. 

"Hyung." 

Changkyun blinked, confused. "Pardon?"

"I said it's hyung." Minhyuk repeated himself. "I'm Minhyuk hyung not Minhyuk-shi." Changkyun's eyes widened and he noticed the same expression appeared on the older man's face as the one he saw the other day.

"Oh. I'm sorry Minhyuk-shi- I mean hyung. Minhyuk hyung." Changkyun stuttered and cursed himself, still staring at Minhyuk in shock. He noticed that the rest of the members had stopped what they were doing and were now looking simultaneously between him and Minhyuk. 

Minhyuk then, to Changkyun's utter horror and more shock, smiled warmly at him.

"That's right maknae. Minhyuk. HYUNG." He emphasized and pointed at himself.

"I- I didn't know you-you wanted...me too..." Changkyun sputtered. "I- I mean...I didn't know I was allowed?" He cursed for the second time at his inability to form words. "...close...not...you and I...um..."

Minhyuk's smile turned sad and something else that Changkyun couldn't identify. "Yeah. I'm sorry I made that kind of impression." He rubbed the back of his neck.

Changkyun didn't reply because honestly, he has no idea what to say so for a while they just stared at each other, which created this uncomfortable tension in the air around them where you can hear a pin drop. The other members continued to watch their interactions silently. 

Changkyun eventually saw that Minhyuk wanted to say something but the older man appeared to be struggling and finally decided to just looked into Changkyun's eyes, willing him to understand something. Changkyun was confused but he looked into Minhyuk's eyes in return, trying to read the expression on his face, decipher the way his hands fidgeted together on his lap and the way his feet bounced together against the table. 

And like magic, something suddenly clicked for Changkyun and he realized that he was starting to understand the enigma that is Lee Minhyuk.

It was as close to an apology he was ever going to get. 

At least, for _now_.

"That's okay Minhyuk hyung." He responded. 

\---

End of Chapter 5.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Looks like things are slowly progressing for these kids but they still need communication class 101 *sobs
> 
> Don't forget to share your thoughts. Until the next chapter and Happy New Year everyone! :D


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter took me awhile, I wanted to portray their feelings nicely without it being too dramatic and unrealistic so I hope I did achieve that. I also wanted to emphasize on the progress that they have made with each other without shoving it in the reader's face that they have. It's just me and my overthinking writing mode XD
> 
> Anyways, two day ago was our Changkyunnie's birthday! Happy Birthday to our rapper maknae! Monsta X is not Monsta X without you! <3 I actually wanted to post this chapter then but I was busy celebrating his birthday on twitter and doing other stuff lmao (excuses). Okay, enjoy reading and do drop down your thoughts!
> 
> Again, I didn't proofread this chapter so any grammatical errors is much regretted :)

Changkyun tugged his knees to his chest, arms circling around them and leaned against the one-seater couch that he had picked for himself. It was movie night at the dorm and for some unforeseeable reason Changkyun found himself dragged by one Lee Jooheon from the comfort of his bed into the living room, all the while the older man kept yelling excitedly about movie night because it was _his_ turn to pick the movie and he had been _wanting_ to see that movie for _months_.

"Come on Kyunnie, you've gotta see this movie with me it's so awesome and cool and just THE BEST MOVIE EVER OKAY?!" 

Changkyun merely nodded as he let himself be dragged all the way to the couch. He didn't have much time to process what was happening after all.

Said movie turned out to be 'Spiderman'. Changkyun tried not to snort and think about how cute the older man is. Previously, Changkyun had seen Jooheon as someone who was fierce, tough and hard to approach. Now, Jooheon was slowly becoming one of the closest members to him in the group. Apart from Kihyun, the older rapper had went the extra mile to be friend Changkyun day by day. He was also the one who made sure Changkyun joined them for any group activities outside of work. Changkyun really appreciated that about him. Jooheon really took Changkyun's previous words by heart. Anyways, back then, Changkyun would have never thought Jooheon has this side to him. The older man was fierce on the outside but soft and adorable on the inside. Changkyun had wondered what movie could possibly made Jooheon this excited. The later literally could not stop bouncing on his feet talking about it. And yes, he had not expect it to be a movie about a person with spider power but then again, it does screamed, _Jooheon_. Trust him to be excited over something like this. Changkyun found himself endeared at the older man's antics. 

"The guys never let me pick the movie even though we are supposed to have a turn each!" Jooheon complained loudly as they sat in the living room waiting for Wonho to set the movie up on the screen. 

"That's because you would choose Spiderman every time." Minhyuk rolled his eyes at the rapper. "We've seen it so many times because of you Wonho hyung have memorized every single line in the movie! And we know Wonho hyung is not great at memorizing stuff." He added as he ignored the glare sent his way by Wonho who seemed to be struggling with some wires. Changkyun smiled internally. 

Jooheon widened his eyes dramatically. "As you should! It's such a legendary movie after all it would a crime not too!!" 

"Yeah, it's soooooo cool to memorize lines about spidey stuff and a man in swimming suit." Minhyuk responded as he sip on the glass of orange juice he was holding.

"You take that back!" Jooheon held his hand up to his chest in an offended manner. "They are not swimming suit! Tell him Changkyunnie!" He looked at the younger man. Changkyun just shrugged and remained quiet, choosing not to take any side. He was content to just observe. 

"Yah!" At Changkyun's lack of reaction, Jooheon pouted even more while Minhyuk let out a snicker. 

"Alright children drop it and help me carry our dinner to the living room." Kihyun called out from the kitchen ending their banter from escalading. "You ask me to feed you but what do you do instead of helping me? Fight." He added. 

"I'll help you hyung." Changkyun quickly offered and stood up. 

"Aish such a good maknae." Kihyun smiled as Changkyun entered the kitchen. "Here help me carry this." He passed the tray of food to Changkyun who nodded and carry it to the living room. 

"You guys should be more like Changkyunnie!" Kihyun yelled out proudly for the other members to hear. "He's the only one who bothers to help me around this dorm not like your bunch of lazy asses!" 

"He's a good maknae." Shownu, who had remained quiet all this while with the book he was reading, agreed with a smile. 

Changkyun tried to hid his blushed and awkwardness at the praise by pretending to look elsewhere. Lately, the members have not only involve him in a lot of things, they had even started to shower him with praises. At first, he found it hard to accept it because it seemed like they were trying _too_ hard. He was worried that the praises were not genuine. He also wondered if they were trying to move too fast to heal things with him. However, after awhile he decided not to dwell too much on it. And as he slowly got used to it, he does see that that members seemed really honest about it and to be honest, it was nice to hear positive things instead of negative things from the members. It was like a breath of fresh air. It helped boost his self-esteem. However, that does not mean he was completely 100% unaffected by it. They made him flustered most of the time which caused him to blush and feel all awkward. Most of the time he didn't know how he was supposed to react or if he was supposed to say something in respond. It was not like he was trained to receive praises. Wait. _Do people get trained for this sort of stuff?_

"Awww maknae ah are you blushing??" Minhyuk exclaimed loudly as he helped clear the table so Changkyun can place the tray down. Changkyun decided it was best to just ignore the older man to save himself for further embarrassment. Instead, he took in the sight of food arranged neatly on the table. Beside him, Kihyun had arrived with another tray of food and Jooheon was helping to arrange them on the table. Kihyun had cooked up a feast! There were spicy seafood stew, rice, roasted meat glazed with soy sauce, lots and lots of side dishes like omelets and kimchi pancake ( _Changkyun's absolute favourite but he has never told anyone_ ) and some snacks for them to enjoy while they watch the movie as well. Changkyun was amazed. He couldn't believe Kihyun cooked all of these by himself. The older man is amazing. Changkyun couldn't wait to dig in. 

"Whoah this is so amazing Kihyun hyung." Jooheon squealed excitedly as he drooled and bounced on his feet. "I'm so hungry. Can we eat now please??" 

Kihyun nodded his head. "Of course. We should eat it before it gets cold. Here, help me pass this rice around." 

And just like that they settled into the movie as they each hungrily gobbled down all the food on the table. It was so delicious Changkyun could cry. He even had to forcefully stop himself from reaching out to the kimchi pancake one too many times. He shouldn't finish it all by himself no matter how much he wants to. It was supposed to be a shared dinner after all. 

"Oh by the way Changkyun ah." Kihyun suddenly called out to the maknae after some moment of silence passed between them. Only the sound of chopsticks and spoons hitting the bowl filling in the silence as well as the movie playing on the TV.

Changkyun made sure he swallowed his food first before replying. "Yes hyung?"

"Next time it will be your turn to choose a movie." Kihyun told him with a smile as he waved his chopsticks around. "We can watch anything you like."

"Yes that's right Kyunnie! I forgot to tell you!" Jooheon nodded vigorously with his mouth full of food, which earned him a smack from Kihyun.

"Swallow first!" "Ow hyung!!"

"Oh." Changkyun responded softly. "Are you sure? I don't really mind." He bit the bottom of his lip awkwardly.

"Of course we are sure." Kihyun said with an air of finality. "You are a part of us now. You get to have your turn too." Kihyun then placed more kimchi pancake on Changkyun's bowl with a knowing smile. 

Changkyun could feel a small tug inside his heart at the comment and gesture. It was warm and at the same time bittersweet. He stopped himself from getting emotional and nodded his head. "Okay. Thank you hyung." Kihyun smiled fondly at him.

"As long as you don't pick another spidey in a swim suit kinda movie then I'm okay with any of your picks!" Minhyuk exclaimed loudly. Changkyun almost choked on his food at the comment while Jooheon let out loud screams of protests which earned him another smack from Kihyun.

"Swallow first Lee Jooheon!!" "Hyung!!!"

\---

After dinner, they proceeded to enjoy the snacks Kihyun had prepared, treating them as deserts as they continue to watch the movie. Changkyun munched on some honey butter chips as he looked at the members sitting in various positions across the living room. He couldn't help the warm feeling spreading in his heart. He never thought he would be allowed to share this moment with them. Sure, they still have a long way to go but with every passing day, it seemed that the thin cold air between them slowly dissipates. _They will get there_. Changkyun didn't know what the end tunnel would be for them but for now he was content and he wants to keep trying. He wants to reach out his hand so they can grab it. 

Changkyun was so focused on his thoughts that he almost didn't hear the text alert on his phone. He only noticed when Shownu pointed at his pocket. He shook his mind out of his musings and grabbed a hold of his phone, thanking the leader. He opened his chatbox and saw that it was a message from one of his old Nu'Bility members, Taehyuk.

_'Hey Changkyunnie, what are you up to?'_

**_'Hi Hyung. I'm at the dorm.'_ **

Changkyun typed back as a reply.

_'So you are free then?'_

**_'I'm watching a movie with my members. Why?'_ **

Changkyun munched on another piece of chip as he continued to converse with his ex-member.

_'Ah, progress then.'_

_' **Hm. You could say that.'**_

_'Kid, a progress is better than nothing. Nope, don't argue with me. Hyung knows best.'_

Changkyun couldn't help but to smile fondly as he read this. He had missed his eldest hyung. 

**_'Okay hyung.'_ **

_'I actually want to share a news with you but I don't want to interrupt your bonding time with your members.'_

**_'Hyung it's fine. What is it?'_ **

_'You know what, I'm going to call you tomorrow instead. I won't know the full news until tomorrow anyways. What time will you be free tomorrow?'_

**_'Ah hyung you've already got me curious. Tell me now.'_ **

_'Nope. You need to bond with your members so I'll talk to you tomorrow okay? Text me when you are free.'_

**_'Aish this hyung. Alright.'_ **

_'Okay bye Changkyun! Have a great time!'_

**_'Okay hyung.'_ **

Changkyun wanted to put his phone away when another text entered. He opened his chat again.

_'Hey, even if you bond with them. I'm still your best hyung no matter what okay? Capiche? OK. BYE!!'_

Changkyun let out another fond smile and chuckled softly as he read the message. After that, he put his phone away to focus back on the movie. He briefly wondered how much he had missed. He lifted his head to look at the TV but he was greeted by six pairs of eyes staring at him. Changkyun blinked, a little startled.

"What? Is there something on my face?" He asked when the members kept staring at him intently and silently. There was something that flickered in their eyes but Changkyun couldn't tell what it was. 

"Hyungs?" He asked again. Still receiving no answer he turned his head to look at Kihyun. "Kihyun hyung, what's wrong?" 

At that, Kihyun snapped out of his gaze and almost drop the popcorn in his hands. 

"Oh. It's just...." Kihyun said nervously as he rubbed the back of his neck. 

"Did I do something wrong?" That same nervous feeling Changkyun had started to forget suddenly crawling back under his skin.

"No! No, no, you didn't." Kihyun quickly said in a panic and with wide eyes. He turned to look at the other members for help.

"It's just that...." He trailed off, unable to find the right words.

"That was the first time you smiled." Wonho responded on behalf of Kihyun and the rest of the members as well. "And laughed..."

Changkyun blinked. "I'm sorry, what?" 

"That was the first time you smiled Changkyun ah. Outside of the camera that is." Wonho told him again. There was an air of bitterness that radiated from that statement. Changkyun was rendered speechless at the sudden turn of events. He was also confused to say the least.

"I wonder what your friend had said to make you smile like that." Minhyuk mumbled as he looked down and played with his fingers. Changkyun looked at the older man.

"I- I don't know what to say." Changkyun responded honestly. He was confused to say the least. He wasn't sure where this conversation was going and what was its purpose. 

"It's okay Changkyun ah you don't have to say anything." Kihyun reassured but Changkyun could see the sadness in his eyes. He wondered if he had caused that. 

"I wish it was us." Jooheon suddenly said. It was spoken very quietly and they almost missed it. Changkyun turned to look at the older rapper.

"I wish you smile and laugh like that around us. For us, too." 

"I'm sorry I didn't realize-" Changkyun tried to explain even though he was not so sure himself. How does one deal with this type of situation? 

"Why are you apologizing?!" Wonho spat out bitterly. Changkyun startled and bit his lip. Wonho's eyes immediately widened at his reaction. "I'm sorry I didn't mean to snap at you." 

"That's okay." Changkyun said and averted his eyes downwards.

"No Changkyun. It is not okay." Wonho replied firmly which made Changkyun avert his eyes back to the older man.

"We need to stop snapping at your or say the complete opposite of what we mean to say just because we suck at it, or because we are upset." Wonho moved closer to the maknae. 

"You did _nothing_ wrong." He then said. "All this while, you have done nothing wrong Changkyun. It was always us. _Us_. You hear me? Our own bitterness and jealousy that caused us, _ME_ , to be _wary_ and _suspicious_ of you all the time. This bitterness have caused us to treat you like shit for _months_. Caused us to ignore you and _bully_ you into isolation and loneliness-"

"Wonho hyung stop." Kihyun tried to stop the older man, worried that things will get out of hands and they would hurt Changkyun's feelings again. 

"No we have to talk about these things Kihyun!" Wonho argued and glared at all of them except for Changkyun. "We never even sit down as a _team_ and talk about what we have done and said to Changkyun. Did we even apologize properly?? We never even give him the space to express himself and _NO_ what happened previously was not a healthy way for Changkyunnie to express himself." 

"Hyung..." Changkyun said when he noticed the tears in the older man's eyes. Wonho merely blinked a few times to push the tears away.

"Changkyun ah, we should have handled things better." He continued to say. "Instead of snapping at you we should have sit down as a team and talk about it. It was not fair for us to keep judging you and let it go on for months. Like I said, I personally questioned everything you say and did all because I believed that you took someone's elses place so everything you say or did is automatically bad I-" Wonho choked on his words as Changkyun felt something pulled in his heart. Unwanted memories clouding his mind once again.

"I _accused_ you of _hurting_ Jooheon Changkyunnie, I- when you can't even hurt a _fly._ It took you getting sick and having a nervous breakdown for me to realize my own bullshit _._ What kind of a hyung _am I??_ I'm so ashamed of myself that sometimes it kills me to even say anything to you. And so what do I do? I pretend. That's what I'm good at. I pretend that we are okay and that everything is fine. I thought, no, I believed, that we can get over this. That this storm will pass so when you start to spend more time with us and open your arms to us, I keep pretending that there was nothing wrong between us, there was nothing to say to you, lets just keep pretending and move on, so I didn't even _apologize_ , but you know what? It's not really going to go away unless we sit down and talk about it. Fix how we tell each other things. Allow ourselves to express things to each other. To do a simple thing as saying _sorry_ -" 

"Hyung. It's okay." Changkyun finally found the courage to interrupt the older man from his rant. "I have forgiven all of you." He told them honestly because he truly did, they have made a lot of progress and he was no longer wary or nervous around them. He didn't feel isolated and they have started to reach out to him as well. It wasn't an effort on his part alone. Immediately, there were some gaps and choked sounds following his words.

Wonho took a deep breath to calm himself down. He then looked straight into Changkyun's eyes.

"We know Kyunnie." He smiled sadly. "But that does not mean you can easily forget." He told the younger. "Forgive and forget are two completely different thing."

"You never even smile when you are around us Changkyun ah. That says something." Wonho added with a sad frown.

Changkyun found that he couldn't really argue with that. 

\---

"Okay. Now that everybody has calmed down. We can sit down and talk properly. As a team." Shownu told every single member in the room receiving several nods in response. 

After the previous outburst from Wonho, Shownu had stepped in and took control of the situation. He acknowledged what Wonho had said, they really do need to sit down and talk but he also saw the importance of clearing the air a bit first as it was getting too overwhelming for most of them. That overwhelming feeling can cause unintentional outbursts. He preferred to avoid that. So, he suggested that they clear the table and the kitchen first before sitting down to talk properly. Thankfully, the members agreed without so much fuss. Each of them fully grasping the whole situation including Wonho.

As the members clean and work together, Shownu had gently pulled Changkyun aside.

"Are you okay to have this talk?" He cut straight to the point and stared into the maknae's eyes. "You know you can say no right? Just one word and we can drop all of this. This is about you Changkyun. Do you understand that?" Shownu searched Chankyun's eyes, willing the younger to understand.

For a moment Changkyun was quiet. "My skin is tingling and there is an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach." He then told the leader honestly. "But I want to. Talk I mean. Wonho hyung is right. We can't keep avoiding the elephant in the room forever."

Shownu smiled down at the younger. He felt proud of Changkyun for being so brave and for enduring all of the things they have thrown his way. They should have never taken him for granted. His biggest regret as a leader was not fixing this as soon as they were set to debut. He didn't how he could ever make it up to the younger. For now, what he can do is to allow Changkyun the space to make his own decision and to also give him some space to be on his own should he ever need it. 

"Okay." He told Changkyun. "But should you feel any discomfort at any given moment and want to back out of it you let me know. You have that option. I want you to _know_ that you have that option."

Changkyun didn't realize it but he had smiled at the older man. "Thank you hyung."

"You really do have a cute smile." Shownu blurted out which caused Changkyun to turn beet red. 

"Um. Thanks I guess?" He tried to say albeit awkwardly. Shownu just chuckled fondly.

"Sorry to fluster you maknae. If only you know how strong that smile is. It caused such a huge reaction from the members especially Wonho after all."

Changkyun again, decided to just ignore the comment as he turned another shade of red again. 

\---

"Alright so who is going to start first?" Shownu asked around the room. They have decided to sit in a circle so that everybody can see each other and that there was no one more dominating than the other. It also felt more warm and comfortable.

"Anyone?" Shownu raised his eyebrow when he was met with silence.

"i guess I'll start first." Kihyun volunteered with a sigh. He then cleared his throat as a nervous habit and looked at Changkyun.

"Changkyunnie..." He started. "I actually have so many things that I wanted to say to you but each time I want to say them I either say the wrong thing or I couldn't say anything at all. It was never my intention to hurt you with any of my words but I somehow do and I- I'm just really really _really_ bad with words." 

"When did your feelings about me change?" Changkyun asked instead. He didn't comment on Kihyun's words but merely nodded.

The rest of the members however, could see how despite his calm facial expression, he was actually nervous. It was in the way he hid his hands inside his sleeves and the way he sat a little further apart from the rest of them. After spending more time with him, they were beginning to understand and read him better. They couldn't really blame Changkyun for feeling nervous. He had to face not one but all six of them. They would react the same way if they were his shoes. It struck to them then how lonely Changkyun must have felt all this while. Guilt immediately tearing at their hearts. 

"As soon as they announced our line-up for Monsta X." Kihyun told him honestly. "Probably way before that...I'm not sure but I know that when I look at you, I don't feel angry or frustrated anymore."

"But your face and words always tells me the complete opposite hyung." Changkyun said quietly as if he was scared to say it out loud. Kihyun sighed heavily.

"I know." He nodded. "But that's not your fault. I'm just really bad with words Changkyunnie. I actually wanted to get closer with you but I was just...doing it all wrong...see???" He waved his hands around to get his point across. "I can't even explain myself properly right now." He let out another heavy sigh.

Kihyun's flustered behaviour caused Changkyun to let out a small smile which then, caused the older man to splutter in shock.

"Why is it suddenly so easy for you to smile now??!!" He spat loudly but quickly realized his mistake. "No! That's not I what I meant No! I-I-!" Kihyun started to panic.

Changkyun however, just burst out loud with laughter. The members all gapped at the maknae in disbelief at the turn of events. Just a second ago the maknae looked like he was ready to take off and disappeared into the safety of his room. But now he was laughing??

"Changkyun....?" Kihyun called out the younger's name worriedly. "Are you...okay?"

Changkyun just continued to laugh but nodded his head. "I'm sorry hyung but you are so funny and cute." They continued to stare at him confusedly. Changkyun calmed himself down and cleared his throat.

"I'm sorry for laughing hyung." He apologized. "I couldn't help it." He smiled fondly at the older man. 

"Actually, after I have spoken with Shownu hyung, I gave some thoughts to things, a lot of thoughts actually, and I have come to realized a few things about you hyung." 

"What sort of things?" Kihyun asked as he rubbed the back of his neck.

Changkyun hummed. "I know that hyung's words and actions are not compatible. You are terrible with words, but that does not mean you don't care. I only need to look at what you're doing to understand you hyung. And I know that just now, you didn't mean any harm. That's why I laughed. At the absurdity of the whole situation...I think...there are so many misunderstandings between us Kihyun hyung." 

Kihyun seemed satisfied and content with Changkyun's answer. His face cleared and he calmed down slightly. "I think so too Changkyunnie." 

"And as for the smiling thing..." Changkyun waved his hand around awkwardly. "I truly am sorry, I didn't realize I have never smiled at you guys before."

"That's not something you should apologize for." Jooheon responded. "I mean smiling is a natural thing right? It's automatic. You do it with the people you're comfortable with. You can't help it when we make you feel sad all the time." Jooheon bit his bottom lip as he said this. Changkyun noticed the guilt shining in the other members' eyes as well. 

"That's true." Changkyun agreed. "But that does not mean I don't enjoy spending time with you guys." The members looked at Changkyun as he said this. Their eyes widened. "Especially in the last few weeks. Um. I feel like we have gotten closer. At least that how I feel." He looked down as he said his words, feeling shy to let his feelings known and also a little awkward.

"It was awkward at the beginning I'm not gonna lie, and I do have some doubts. I wonder if you guys truly want to spend time with me, to get to know me, or you are just doing it because of what happened before." He pointed at himself awkwardly as he felt heat coating his cheeks. "But you continue to prove me wrong everyday, which I'm thankful for. I'm just...I'm just an awkward person." Changkyun finished.

"What do you mean awkward?" Hyungwon who had been silence dinner finally spoke. The older man had chosen to merely observed all the event that has unfolded before. 

"I mean...I'm not very good with people." Changkyun admitted with a sigh. He raised his knees up to his chest and circled his arms around them. 

"When I was younger, we moved around a lot because of my dad's career. So it was always new schools, new environment and new cultures for me. I never had the opportunity to make friends or bond with people or do what friends do and all that...." He averted his gaze and played with his fingers.

"So simple things such as smiling to others or...holding a conversation...they are all really hard for me...even now...telling you guys all of this...I feel like my heart will burst out of my chest...." Changkyun added. "...I feel like my smile is super awkward so I tend to smile inside my head instead...it does not help my situation also because it caused people to misunderstand me all the time...I'm just really socially awkward..." He finished.

This was it. Changkyun couldn't believe that he did this. That he was taking the step to bear his soul for the members to take however they want it to. It could go so wrong for him from this point onwards. But deep down, with all his heart, Changkyun hoped it would go the opposite way. 

"Changkyun." Kihyun approached the younger and crouched in front of him. He gently placed his hand on one of Changkyun's knee, observing to see if the gesture made Changkyun uncomfortable in any way. When it didn't, Kihyun gently rubbed his knee, hoping it will soothe the maknae's heart. "Thank you for telling us this. That was really brave and kind of you to share it with us." Changkyun felt warmth spread in his heart at the older's words. He nodded.

"I guess..there are a lot that we still don't understand about each other." Hyungwon noted with a frown. Changkyun turned and looked at the older man.

"I'm sorry I was a jerk to you Changkyun. Can we perhap...start over? I don't know if I deserve it though." He asked awkwardly. Changkyun shook his head.

"Of course we can start over hyung." Changkyun reassured him. "I didn't say this before, but I see that now, Hyungwon hyung you are also not very good with words. When I was sick you said what you said because you were also worried right?" Hyungwon blinked at Changkyun's words as a blushed formed on his cheeks. He simply nodded and looked away, coughing.

"I do want to start over with all of you. If you let me." Changkyun continued to say.

"It was supposed to be us that ask that of you Changkyun." Minhyuk blurted. Changkyun saw that there were tears in his eyes. "We are supposed to be hyungs here. And we were the ones that hurt you. I promise I will make it up to you for as long as I live. Please forgive me too." 

Changkyun did not expect the apology from Minhyuk. Again, it goes to show how much they still needed to learn about each other.

"To be fair. I misunderstood a lot things too hyung." Changkyun then told Minhyuk and the other members softly. "I didn't exactly made it easier for you to approach me either. I had my own prejudice too." 

Hyungwon nodded. "I think we should stop finding one person to blame. I think we each played a part in this." All of them nodded as well at this.

"You really are so kind kkukkungie." Wonho sobbed with tears flowing down his cheeks. Changkyun beamed internally at the new nickname but didn't comment, seeing how heavy the tears on the older man, so he let him continue.

"I can't believe how awful we were and that you can forgive us so easily." Wonho continued to cry. Shownu went to the later and rubbed his back soothingly. "I too, want to start over. I too, promise to make it up to you."

Changkyun looked at every one of his members and tilted his head. "It's not going to be easy hyungs. It's going to be hard...I think what you said before was right Wonho hyung...I may have forgiven you but my subconscious mind and insecurities still get in the way sometimes as they won't forget things easily. I may react in a certain way. When I do, I hope you can bear it with me and that you don't take it to heart." He admitted honestly.

"Of course we will Changkyunnie." Jooheon, who was also crying said out loud. "We understand. Healing takes time. For all of us. What we did to you, it won't erase just because we want it to. We will be with you every step of the way. Please help us too Changkyunnie. Please do tell us if we ever hurt your feelings or we do something that bothers you." Changkyun nodded and let out another smile. This time, the smile was bright. It was probably the most genuine and so natural that the members beamed triumphally. Their hearts soared with happiness.

"This is good." Kihyun spoke up after they have each settled down their emotions. "This talking thing. We should do it more often. Good thinking Wonho hyung."

The members looked at Kihyun, then at each other, tear tracks still visible on each of their faces along with puffy eyes, red nose, they nodded to show their agreement, proceeded to snort and then laughed heartily. 

"God, why are we like this??" 

\---

End of Chapter 6. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay they are finally talking wooohooooooo. Took them long enough. These kids istg.
> 
> On another news, the next chapter will be the last chapter. I can't believe I'm almost done and it took me awhile to finish this fic. It's so hard to balance it between work. Until the next chapter!


End file.
